Lonely no more

Faced with life changes, these Bachelors and Belles find solace at the weekly Friday night dances of a singles club.

By EVE TAHMINCIOGLU

© St. Petersburg Times, published May 12, 2000

Esther Neuhard felt lost when her husband passed away 36 years ago. Shirley Smith was confused when her husband left her 18 years ago for another woman. And Joe Guess' spirit was broken when his wife died six years ago after 42 years of marriage.

At a glance: WHAT: Bachelors and Belles 35th Anniversary WHEN: 8 p.m. Friday WHERE: Zendah Grotto Hall, 4109 Lauber Way COST: $7; $5 members CALL: (813) 872-0812

They all found companionship at Bachelors and Belles, a singles social club that has been holding dances every Friday night since its formation in May 1965. The dances have served as a kind of anchor for men and women in the second half of life and today the non-profit organization, formed by a group of single people, celebrates its 35th anniversary.

The importance of groups like Bachelors and Belles is underscored by a recently published book written by a Harvard professor. In Bowling Alone, Robert D. Putnam bemoans the loss of things like bowling leagues, church suppers and Rotary meetings that create valuable "social capital."

"A society of many virtuous but isolated individuals is not necessarily rich in social capital," Putnam writes.

Bachelors and Belles invites anyone 30 years old or older to come dance with them any Friday evening from 8 p.m. until midnight. When the group first started out, dances were held at private homes and local hotels. Since 1985, the Friday night dances have been held at the Zendah Grotto Hall in Drew Park. Typically, 160 to 175 people show up, paying $7 to get in ($5 for members). There's also a raffle drawing each night with half of the proceeds going to local charities.

On a recent Friday night, the hardwood dance floor was packed with twirling couples by 8 p.m. sharp. Most were middle-aged and senior citizens, dressed in Florida dressy casual -- skirts with silk tops and dark blazers with and without ties. There was the occasional black satin dress and sequined top, but shoes were mainly low-heeled and sensible, just right for dancing. There is a dress code: no shirts without collars, no short shorts, no jeans, no athletic attire and by all means no shirts with any writing.

The music, provided by a deejay, ranged from top 40 to big band classics like Take the A Train. There was even disco music. At about 9:30 p.m., 30 people, mostly women, engaged in a rusty version of the bus stop.

Soft drinks are available, but alcohol is not sold. Attendees can bring their own. Small bottles of whiskey dotted the long tables set up around the dance floor like a wedding reception.

Bachelors and Belles also organizes picnics and trips. The bylaws state that the purpose of the club is to "create, promote, provide recreational charitable and social activities for single people." And it has met its mission, according to many of the people who have danced the night away, meeting friends and lovers under Zendah Grotto's disco ball.

Vera Diaz of Tampa, a member of the group since 1977, said she was "fortunate to have a great marriage. We did everything together." However, when she lost her husband Robert in 1975, "I didn't know what to do with myself."

Diaz, 79, said her grief was compounded by the unexpected isolation she experienced at the hands of people she thought to be friends. "My friends were all married and once you are not married you don't fit with those people no more," she said, a tinge of anger still in her voice.

Ignazio Zambito, 67, who has been coming to the dances since 1975, agreed.

"When you're divorced, you can't visit with your married friends," said Zambito, 67. "They look at you like you're crazy, like you're trying to steal their wife or something."

So Diaz and Zambito turned to Bachelors and Belles.

Zambito was never one to hang out in bars and was attracted by what he called wholesome fun at the dances.

Diaz spent a lot of time at shopping malls after her husband died, mainly as a way to get her three children, who were bugging her to get out and socialize, off her back. "I spent time there so they wouldn't worry about me," she said. She said the loneliness really kicked in during the weekends when she was not working. She read about the singles dances in the newspaper and decided to take the plunge.

One of the biggest fears of first-time attendees is one anyone who has gone to a dance can relate with: "Will I be a wallflower?"

Kathleen Morris of Town 'N Country was petrified no one would ask her to dance when she first attended a dance about 10 years ago. "I came here three times before ever coming through the door," she said.

Morris, 59, did finally make it inside and found that people went out of their way to talk to her and make her feel comfortable. One of the six or seven men she danced with that first night even asked her to go to breakfast. At first, she said, she was taken aback by the invitation but later found out "breakfast" was a late-night snack at the Village Inn in Tampa -- a ritual among many attendees.

Not everyone who comes to the dances is timid about socializing.

Anthony Vetters, 81, was asked what he did after his divorce 20 years ago he said: "Honey, I went out like a flea." He attended any dances he could find, including events at the Coliseum in St. Petersburg.

Golf was not for Vetters. "I was chasing the ball like an idiot so I came here to chase women," he said.

After 20 years with the Bachelors and Belles, he now spends most of his dancing time at Zendah Grotto with his girlfriend of five years, Betty Eady, who is also a regular.

Eady, a widow, said, "This was the first place I went after losing my husband. I was like 16 going out on my first date."

No one has kept tally of how many Bachelors and Belles have ended up saying "I do." But club officials say it is more than just a handful. Once you hook up, you are allowed to come to the dances only on the last Friday of each month so as not to put a damper on the singles' night theme.

Bob and Angie Hasty, both 57, met at the Bachelors and Belles dance and were married three years ago.

Bob Hasty said he was rather shy when it came to meeting people after he divorced from his first wife, but Bachelors and Belles helped him come to terms with that. "They were lonely," he said about some of the people he met at the Friday night dance, "and I was lonely too."

Faced with life changes, these Bachelors and Belles find solace at the weekly Friday night dances of a singles club.

At a glance:

WHAT: Bachelors and Belles 35th Anniversary

WHEN: 8 p.m. today 5/12

WHERE: Zendah Grotto Hall, 4109 Lauber Way

COST: $7; $5 members