Random thoughts

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By GARY SHELTON

© St. Petersburg Times, published May 14, 2000

Hello, I'm David Stern, and I can remove that unwanted tattoo cheap.

-- So, did you see Dick Vermeil say the Rams had a problem with prostitutes last season? So tell me: Were the Bucs beaten by a post pattern, or by the old hook-and-ladder?

-- For those of you keeping score at home, the charges against Bob Knight now include physically intimidating a 64-year-old secretary. Well, how the heck else is she gonna learn to block out for a rebound?

-- Every time I hear a trainer talk about how competitive a horse is, I wonder why you don't ever see one horse in a pasture turn to another and say, "So, you wanna race to that tree and back?"

-- Not to say things are going badly for the Rays, but I understand they pressure washed Tropicana Field the other day, and George Steinbrenner's image appeared on the wall.

-- More and more, you hear the Bucs want to meet with Randall Cunningham when he's released. Hopefully, this is what they want to say: "Say, Randall ... do you have Steve Young's phone number?"

-- Did you see where a Cuban baseball player defected in Minneapolis? I guess he figured Fidel Castro would never look for a real player there.

-- And by the way, does anyone know how Brad Radke can defect out?

-- Just wondering. Fights keep breaking out in baseball, and in hockey and in basketball. But why do fights never seem to break out in fights?

-- Beats me who sent this "I Love You" virus, but I didn't get it, so it could have been Trent Dilfer.

-- Injury of the week was Marlins pitcher Ricky Bones, who hurt his back while watching television. Look, hon. I'm a daredevil!

-- No, there is no need for the Rays to have the "Devil" removed from their uniforms. The way things are going, the other teams will beat if off of them.

-- I wonder what Ryan Leaf is getting Bobby Beathard as a retirement gift? Maalox, maybe? -- I wonder if Daren Puppa doubts if Wilson Alvarez is really hurt.

-- This just in from the NBA: From now on, Allen Iverson's place in the 76ers' team photo will be taken by Brad Pitt.

-- Now that Elian Gonzalez is back with his father, do you think Janet Reno is worried about rescuing freshmen basketball players from Indiana?

-- Because he is a good player, I hate to see Davey Martinez go. Because he is a good guy, I hate to see him go the Cubs.

-- Wow. Carmen Electra says she coped with the deaths of her mother and sister not with drink or drugs, but by marrying Dennis Rodman. And for the first time in my life, I wonder if drink and drugs get a bad rap.

-- Did you see where the playbooks of college football coaches are being auctioned off on the Internet? Mike Shula's Bucs playbook was going to be auctioned off, too, but someone lost the napkin.

-- If you're a hockey fan, you'll love the news of the Hanson brothers action figures (from the movie Slap Shot). Now, if we can just convince them to rough up Furby, life will be good.

-- Not saying that it's getting easier to hit a home run, but sooner or later, a pitcher's going to plunk a hitter on the chin, and that ball's going to sail over the leftfield wall.

-- A final thought about the Kentucky Derby. The last time I saw a Deputy run that slowly, he was chasing O.J. Simpson.

-- Two things I want to know about Olympic corruption. What, exactly, is in that sealed "Geld File" that spells out committee members' preferences? And does this make them "Geldings?"

-- He's an instigator, and he's an educator. But no, the Knight saga isn't the present-day version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It's more like Dr. Demento and Mr. Chips.

-- This just in: The Washington Redskins have signed Deacon Jones. Really old film at 11.

-- A topless dancer in Las Vegas says Mike Tyson hit her last week. In defense, Don King points out that the dancer was ranked No. 3 by the WBO.

-- The heck with the ball. How much for Wilt's little black book?

-- Just wondering: When CNN/SI's Fred Hickman voted for Iverson for MVP instead of Shaq, was he aware of all those tattoos?

-- Not that I suspect those IOC muckety-mucks of accepting anything, but didn't you half expect the $360-million Georgia lottery winner to be announced as Juan Antonio Samaranch?

-- I see where the Dolphins have invited Hootie and the Blowfish to perform at Dan Marino's honorary day in the fall. Which makes sense: A quarterback no longer setting records honored by a band no longer making them.

-- Just wondering: If Jose Canseco goes to the Yankees, will Tampa Bay radio fans hear it?

-- Maybe that isn't wear showing up in Wilson Alvarez's shoulder. Maybe it's cobwebs.

-- Don't you hate that tie between Elton Brand and Steve Francis for rookie of the year? Don't you think there should be some sort of tiebreaker? Don't you wonder who has the fewest tattoos?

-- One number Orlando Hernandez didn't get: Steve Trachsel's.

-- In a rare burst of ethics, IOC vice president Kevan "Graft" Gosper has apologized that his 11-year-old daughter was selected as the first Australian torch-runner. Turns out, she'll just have to drive that new Mercedes like the rest of the committee members kids.

-- Finally, my kid's prom is in a couple of weeks. I'd appreciate it if no one told Mark Chmura.

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