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I'm the taxman, I rove the land


© St. Petersburg Times, published May 14, 2001

Forget renting strip mall spaces, building on the Stovall property or buying the old State Farm building. Property Appraiser Ron Schultz has been quietly circulating a tongue-in-cheek memo suggesting where the County Commission can stick his offices.

Crystal River Appraiser Personnel (better known by their unflattering acronym) have proposed that Schultz vacate the courthouse and take his employees on the road, working out of three roving Winnebagos stocked with citizens band radios and office equipment.

Like an ice cream truck, the Winnebagos would broadcast a musical jingle announcing their presence -- in this case, Taxman by the Beatles. As an added public service, the Winnebagos could be staffed with phlebotomists from the local blood bank.

"The public already thinks we are bloodsuckers," the memo notes. "Our traveling offices could adopt the motto, 'Give now or give later.' "

The units, which give new meaning to the term "field office," would be stocked with bug spray, No-Doz and Dramamine. The outside would be painted in patriotic colors and airbrushed with Schultz's portrait.

It looks as if the proposal includes everything, such as a request for "6 laptop computers (or very long extension cords)," but the authors of the memo reserved the right to amend the plan as needed.

"Since this proposal was made as hastily as the one by the county commissioners, we may submit additions/changes at a later date," the memo states.

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