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By GARY SHELTON

© St. Petersburg Times, published May 23, 2000

Finally, I have figured out what I want for Father's Day.

I want Tonya Harding's hubcap.

I want it framed. I want it autographed. I want it personalized. I want it to say "Limited Set of Four, From the Trailer Park Collection -- Love, Tonya." I want my wife to go online and win it with a dazzling display of auction savvy.

Autographs? Hah. I don't want an autograph. I don't want a photo or a replica or a signed ball. That's the sports memorabilia of your father. I want personal. I want distinctive. I want eBay.

Give me the Neil Reed video collection. Give me Peter Warrick's shopping cart. Evander Holyfield, lend me your ear.

Haven't you been paying attention? This is where we are as collectors these days. If you can think of it, you can buy it.

Over the past couple of years, you have been able to bid on, and this is not a joke, Ty Cobb's artificial teeth, Bill Veeck's artificial leg (mercifully withdrawn after protests), Mickey Mantle's passport, pieces of Thurman Munson's crashed plane, Larry Kelley's Heisman Trophy, Phil Regan's lineup card for Cal Ripken's record-setting game, Joe DiMaggio's driver's license and the winner's trophy from the 1961 Kentucky Derby.

There will be a brief pause in this column while you ponder what this society has become.

Remember a couple of weeks ago when some chucklehead bid a half-million bucks on a ball because the seller said it was Wilt Chamberlain's 100-point ball? Afterward experts said, no, it wasn't. The first tipoff was that the ball had Michael Jordan's picture on it. (Okay, I'm kidding about that part.)

This is how much we want to buy a piece of our own history, and a piece of those who gave us a moment. Have you looked at the online auctions lately?

For only $750,000 on eBay, you can bid for the gloves Muhammad Ali wore when he knocked out (or didn't) Sonny Liston.

Sotheby's is auctioning off the 1966 World Series ring of Davey Johnson. Last I checked, the bidding stood at $4,300. (Johnson should keep it; from the looks of his Dodgers, he's not going to get another one for a while.)

You could compete for a "Cap Anson for City Council" political sign for $1,800.

You could bid on DiMaggio's 1939 marriage license to Dorothy Arnold, but you'd have to go more than $10,000.

For $100, you could chase one of the autographed cards O.J. Simpson signed while he was in jail.

For $375, you could compete for a Christmas card signed by Jim Thorpe.

The bidding for a canceled check signed by Babe Ruth is now at $2,250.

For $3,995, you could be the high bidder on the 1964 Tokyo Olympic torch.

For $1,995, you can enter the bidding for an autographed ball by Mel Ott, which is almost $700 per letter.

Oh, I know what you're saying. Those are the expensive items, and they sell only because people like Charlie Sheen and Billy Crystal have a lot of money. But what about the rest of us?

Calm down, my people. There are treasures enough for us all. For instance:

Currently, the bid for an NFL rulebook signed by Sam Wyche, complete with the phrase "Go Bucs," is only $14.99 at eBay.

You can bid on an actual game helmet used by ex-Lightning player Petr Klima (although not on defense) for only $175.

You can bid on a Trent Dilfer autographed Bucs jersey. It's surprisingly high at $51, but who knows, at that price, maybe you get to rip it off him.

For $65, you bid on a Dennis Rodman Wedding Doll. Honestly. It comes in its own wedding dress, which means Barbie's wardrobe is safe. Somewhat.

For $10, you can try for a Ray Perkins autographed trading card.

For $9.95, you can bid on the official Mark Chmura police report.

For only $5, you can be the lead bid on a Police Gazette that includes a story on "The Locker Room Secrets of Phil Esposito." (No, I'm not making this up.) For $24.99, you can bid for an autographed baseball by Vince Naimoli.

And for $1, there is a comic book about the Harding-Nancy Kerrigan incident. From here, it sounds like a bargain.

Yes, sir, there is plenty for everyone. You can buy a Tiger Woods Rolex and a Jordan ball and a Pete Rose jersey. You can buy a doll of Shoeless Joe Jackson and a photo of Bob Knight throwing a chair. Coming soon? We can only assume that soon, we'll get Mike Tyson's prison garb and Marv Albert's hairpiece and, hopefully, Tonya's hubcap.

I'll bid on it often. Oh, and the kid who said, "Say it ain't so, Joe," to Jackson? I want to bid on him, too.

I want him to speak the phrase one more time.

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