Let us pray -- but we'd better do it her way

By JAN GLIDEWLL

© St. Petersburg Times, published May 28, 2001

So, let's say it's not Citrus County that I am visiting in this little imaginary outing on the hyperbolic hypothesis circuit.

Say it is just any small, rural Florida county where an apparent majority of the people believe that everyone who doesn't see the universe the same way they do is going to go to hell -- and should shut up in the meanwhile.

So, here I am at this imaginary school board meeting, and the board chairwoman speaks up:

SHE: Let us pray.

ME: Goody. OOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM.

SHE: Excuse me, sir? Sir? SIR!

ME: Yes?

SHE: What are you doing?

ME: Praying.

SHE: By making that sound?

ME: Yes. It's how a good many pray, actually. It's a sound that many believe allows one to strike a harmonious chord with . . .

SHE: But you can't do it here.

ME: I thought you said we were praying.

SHE: But I was doing the praying, and your "omming" was interfering with my praying.

ME: But I was omming, and your praying interfered with my omming, although I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it.

SHE: You can't do that while I'm praying.

ME: Why not?

SHE: Because I was elected by the people.

ME: To pray?

SHE: Apparently, every time the issue comes up, a slew of them show up to pray with me and at everyone else.

ME: Is praying in the legal description of your job responsibilities?

SHE: No, it's just something I choose to do.

ME: And this is what I choose to do. OOOOOOMMMMMMMMM . . .

SHE: Aren't you the guy I heard during the Pledge of Allegiance saying, "With freedom and justice for anyone who can afford Johnnie Cochran?"

ME: Yes. I thought it was a little more accurate than the old one.

SHE: You can't do that either.

ME: You mean you get to pick to whom, what and how I pledge my allegiance, too?

SHE: Yes. Otherwise it's disruptive.

ME: If everyone doesn't say the same thing and agree with everyone else all of the time, that's a bad thing?

SHE: Yes. We call it the FCAT of life, and you're just about to fail it big time.

ME: I think I have a solution.

SHE: Not that I care, but what is it?

ME: Instead of me omming and you praying and my friend Joe over there getting slain in the spirit and falling on the floor and Bob taking communion and my Wiccan buddies getting naked and dancing around a fire, why don't we all just agree to take a silent moment before the meeting begins and reflect, quietly in our own way, on the tasks that face us and the forces that we feel may benefit us in our efforts to undertake these tasks? That way, none of us will bother each other anymore, and we can deal with much more important things.

SHE: No, I like it better when I talk and you and God listen.

ME: Well, I like it better my way. OOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM...

SHE: The difference is that I can have you arrested for interrupting me.

ME: For what?

SHE: Disrupting an educational function.

ME: I can be arrested for interrupting you, but you can't be arrested for interrupting me? Is that right?

SHE: Yes.

ME: Why?

SHE: Because when I'm talking, it becomes educational.

ME: So organized prayer at public meetings is an educational function? And the smartest thing I can do is shut up and obey?

SHE: See, you're learning already.

ME: Okay, you've made your point. I'm leaving.

SHE: Just out of curiousity, where are you going?

ME: To hire Johnnie Cochran.

© 2006 • All Rights Reserved • St. Petersburg Times
490 First Avenue South • St. Petersburg, FL 33701 • 727-893-8111

Contact the Times | Privacy Policy
Standard of Accuracy | Terms, Conditions & Copyright