Parents don't know all they need to

By BRUCE A. EPSTEIN

© St. Petersburg Times, published May 31, 2001

Despite the information era in which we live, today's parents may not have the best knowledge and understanding about child development. This is the conclusion of a detailed study sponsored by several child welfare organizations.

Dr. Kyle Pruett, clinical professor of psychiatry at the Yale University Child Study Center, said the lack of accurate child development information may cause today's parents to raise "overly aggressive children who react to situations with intimidation and bullying, instead of cooperation and understanding; children who won't be able to tolerate frustration, wait their turn or respect the needs of others."

The most confusion among parents, grandparents and caregivers was in the areas of infant awareness and intellectual development; age-appropriate expectations; spoiling, spanking and day care; and the parent-child bond.

Widespread misinformation on these topics carries with it "real implications as to how parents raise and interact with our children in America today," the study says.

Spoiling

Forty-four percent of study participants with young children believed incorrectly that picking up a 3-month-old baby every time she cries will spoil her. Fifty-seven percent of the parents and grandparents believe that it is possible to spoil a 6-month-old (according to research, it is not). How adults define spoiling is closely related to their parenting expectations. For example, if parents expect their 15-month-old to share toys, then letting the child "get away with" not sharing seems like spoiling.

Fear of spoiling might cause parents not to be attentive to the needs of their baby. In reality, responding to a crying infant helps her develop trust in others and assists in her self-esteem and brain development. Not responding to a crying baby, according to Pruett, might cause "increased levels of stress and anxiety in a young child, which in turn can slow his learning."

Inappropriate expectations

More than half the parents said they expected a 15-month-old to be able to share his toys with other children; according to research, children this young are not developmentally ready to share. They also expected a 3-year-old to be able to sit quietly for an hour. Research finds that this an unrealistic expectation.

Many of today's parents are confused as to what they should realistically expect from their children. Parents who hold unrealistically high expectations for their children's behavior are more likely to give them negative attention, be involved in situations of child abuse and cause frustration in their child, since he cannot meet his parents' goals.

Infant awareness

Most parents surveyed did not know that, from the moment of birth, babies begin to interact with their world. Young babies can sense and be affected by outside stimuli such as the moods of others and even violence.

Fortunately, a large percentage of adults do recognize the value of reading and talking with a child at any age, providing a sense of safety and security, feeding a healthy diet and providing quality day care as critical factors in promoting intellectual development in young children.

Although most parents realize that play is important, many don't realize that the play is beneficial to intellectual development, especially language development, as well as social development. Fathers, in particular, are less likely to see the value in make-believe play; they're also more likely to overvalue flash cards as a developmental aid.

Spanking

The effects of spanking are also confusing to most parents. A large majority -- 61 percent -- said that it is okay to use spanking as a regular form of discipline, and more than a third of the parents saw nothing wrong with spanking a child younger than 2.

Yet, a vast majority of parents understood that spanking usually does not work and certainly does not teach children self-control. And most parents agreed that children who are spanked regularly are more likely to deal with their own anger by being physically aggressive.

So, though parents recognize the negative effect of spanking, the majority of them still find spanking acceptable. By contrast, the Academy of American Pediatricians' position on spanking is that it is an ineffectual method of discipline that pediatricians try to discourage.

"These findings are surprising," said Dr. Ron Lally, co-director of the Center for Child and Family Study. "Why would anyone spank an infant or toddler? There is nothing he or she can learn from it other than to distrust bigger and more powerful people."

The impact of day care

Of the parents surveyed, 60 percent hold the inaccurate belief that children have stronger bonds with parents who do not work and stay home than with parents who work full time outside the home. Dads are much more likely than moms to hold this incorrect view.

In fact, recent research shows that children do not necessarily develop stronger bonds with stay-at-home parents. The consequence of this misconception is unnecessary guilt for parents who work and feel they are shortchanging their children. It is apparent from all the studies that, though the amount of time working parents spend with kids is less, quality of time increases to compensate for it.

The lesson

The most important thing parents can learn from this survey is to re-examine some of their basic assumptions about good parenting. To ideally interact with their child, parents must have a better understanding about child development milestones. Here are some important tips:

Respond to your baby's cues promptly.

Keep your expectations for your child's behavior realistic and age appropriate.

Use non-violent, age-appropriate methods of discipline.

Feed your children a healthy diet.

Talk to and play with your child.

Read to your child.

Provide quality child care if both parents work outside the home.

Provide your child with safety and security.

Shield children from violence.

The information in this article came from the executive summary and full text of "What Grown-Ups Understand About Child Development: A National Benchmark Survey."

Bruce A. Epstein practiced pediatrics in St. Petersburg for 26 years. He edits the Web site http://www.kidsgrowth.com.

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