Dissent if you want, but don't do it here

OFF/BEAT GLIDEWELL E-mail: Click here Archive

By JAN GLIDEWELL

© St. Petersburg Times,
published June 8, 2001

By golly, I think Dubya and the Tampa Police Department have hit on something here; the creation of special zones wherein people can exercise a given constitutional right.

It all came up earlier this week when Dubya came to talk to as large a gathering as possible of people who liked and supported him while the Secret Service and the Tampa Police Department (depending on whose version you believe) made sure that no one could assault him by pointing out that all Americans don't agree with him about all things.

I agree. People with dissenting ideas should be summarily wrestled to the ground and hauled off whenever possible. Once they start thinking, who knows what they'll do next.

Dissent, as we know, is dangerous in a Democracy (De-MAHK-racy, a form of government in which leaders are usually elected by the people) and if you start allowing people to dissent, the next thing you know they'll be doing things like getting rid of slavery, demanding the right to a fair trial, wanting everyone to be treated equally. All that weird stuff.

But at least at the Bush bash, which was, well, sort of semi-public, there was a token move toward showing how open a society we are.

Protesters along Bush's route to Legends Field in Tampa were moved to "First Amendment Zones" where they could protest their president's actions to their hearts' content, as long as he didn't have to see or hear what they had to say.

Hmmmm.

Maybe there's something here worth examining

"I'm sorry ma'am, but you and your friends will have to move six blocks away from this gun control rally."

"Why?"

"Because you have short sleeves. Demonstration of the right to bare arms are allowed only in the Second Amendment Zone."

"Officer, I think you're talking about the right to bear arms, you know b-e-a-r?"

"I don't know anything about any bears."

Of course the Secret Service left out other provisions of the First Amendment, like the anti-establishment clause.

"Sorry sir, but if you want to protest the improper conjunction of church and state, we're going to have to ask you to move to Citrus County, just drive north until you see the sign that says Citrus County School Board and Taliban Inc., take a right at the prayer service, step over the witch lying on the floor and praying and make your presentation. We don't want the President confused with things like the Bill of Rights.

Of course, things will get hectic outside of those zones. If you aren't in an Eighth Amendment zone for instance, its fair for the government to flog you and then burn you at the stake.

Anyone residing outside of Fourth Amendment zones will be subject to immediate search and seizure of all literature disagreeing with the president, and, if they are arrested and aren't in a Fifth Amendment zone at the time of the arrest, they can be forced to confess at their own trials and the government can try them as many times as it wishes until it gets the desired outcome.

Get the picture?

I'm no constitutional scholar, but I'm pretty sure the words "in specific roped-off areas designated by law enforcement agencies," don't appear in any amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

At least we've still got it better than folks in Nepal, where the crown prince, using a automatic weapon, apparently shot to death 10 relatives, including his parents, the King and Queen, injured a couple of more and then shot himself in the head.

The government reacted swiftly, making the prince, who was in a coma, king until he died, and explaining that the shooting was "an accident."

Boy, if something like that happened here, we sure would have a lot to say about it.

As long as we were in the right zone.

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