Opinion: President Bush's thoughts on his travels

TUESDAY: The other day the Dadmeister says, 'Son, being president of the United States of America is a big honor to many people, so when you go visit our allies who live in foreign countries and so are not as American as you and me, it would be good for future historians of the past if you kept a journal of your experientations."

So I says, "Great idea, Forty-one," and Laura gets me this "Dear Diary" with a lock and a little key on a string so I can conceal my ingrown thoughts from the Woodsteins and Bernwards of this world, those snooping Toms of the liberal leftfoot media.

Anyhoo, here I am, overseas across the ocean they call the Atlantis, in a country they call Spain. In Spain, they speak Hispanic, just like in many restaurants in Texas. The King and Queen were very nice and after a minute told me it was okay if instead of speaking Hispanic to them, we convulsed in English.

In Madrid, which is the capital of Spain, I was reflectorating on our shared connectivity, such as the true story of the Spanish King Isabella Columbus who sailed the Mayflower all the way to America to build the shining city on the hill. (At our briefings down there on the ranch, Condoleezza said I should throw in hysterical facts to impress the hosts.)

WEDNESDAY: Good to get out of Dodge, a.k.a. Espanola. They have serious social-type problems there, with people riotizing in the streets yelling about contra this and carrying signs saying contra that. I said to Ray (that's my nickname for the King) that Ronald Reagan plus my Dad helped the Contras in Nicaduras back in the '80s, so I don't get the problem here.

Whatever. Moved on to Belgium, which is another country with another king and queen. It is not famous for anything, or if it is, Condoleezza forgot to say. I don't speak Belgian anyway. They do have a big union here called 'the European Union," but I told them us Republicans aren't real big on unions.

Met with the NATO guy who is a British lord called Robertson. There must be some mistakery here -- isn't NATO an American deal? Gotta ask Dick about it. The lord was nice, though, and talked English good.

Had to get with the press -- butt-pain city! The foreign reporters lumber under a lot of miscomprehensions, such as the fact the United States kills people. We do not. We carry out the law which just so coincidentally mandatifies that a murderer be executed. Any dufus can see the big fat difference there.

THURSDAY: I do not know what happened to this country, Sweden, as the Swedes call it. It used to be full of quality folks like Abba and Bjorn Borg, the great tight end for the Vikings. Now they're all out in the streets (which are very small and have hardly any cars) whining about global warming. What's the big deal-o-rama? It's winter for like six whole months here. You'd think they'd be gratitudinous.

But noooo. I had to sit around a table with this Europe Union (and like I said, unions never vote for me) full of Italians, Germans, Grecians, Scotians and the like. The British guy, Tiny Blair, was pretty nice to me, but the rest of them kept digging at me over this Kyoto Treatment. Well, I didn't budge one ounce. The Kyoto Treatment is against the American lifestyle and, I believe, against biblical teaching.

At dinner, Tiny Blair said he might cut me a deal on renting part of his place to park some of the NMD, out where all the sheep are dead anyway.

There was another King and Queen (I think they were called Gus and Stephanie) who were hard to talk to. They never heard of Sammy Sosa. Dick told me to practice on them -- said he'd deal with the prime ministers and such later. But it's kind of intimidatory. One of these coronated heads came to the White House when 41 was in (I'm pretty sure she was the Queen of England, little bitty woman). But they wouldn't let me sit by her. Said it was Jeb's turn.

Anyway, the food in Sweden was weird: fish with sour cream, fish with berries, fish with other fish, but at least I didn't barf on everybody like 41 did in Japan that time.

FRIDAY: We're in Poland, where I'm giving a big speech on something. Condi wrote it down for me. There's some stuff I don't get, though. Poland used to be in a conference called the Warsaw Pack. Now it's in NATO. But Warsaw is the capital of Poland. Gotta get this straight.

Laura says I can't tell ANY of my jokes.

SATURDAY: It's either Slovenia or Slovakia and don't hassle me about which one it is. Nobody cares except Al Gore and where's he, other than sitting around watching public TV, porking out on Cherry Garcia? Talking to Putin. Dick and Condi say I've got to be real careful because the Russians have 1. nuclear weapons and 2. vodka. Like I was saying to the twins when they got busted in Margaritaville, nukes and booze just don't mixmaster.

I know we got a lot of disputations to mediafy, Vladimir and me. But once he finds out what's in my heart, he won't care if we bust that treaty so we can give Star Wars to the little children of tomorrow's future.

This has been a great vacation. Like the man said, travel broadifies the mind.

- Diane Roberts, a former Times editorial writer, is a professor of English at the University of Alabama.

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