Some comic relief for a bad Open

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By GARY SHELTON

© St. Petersburg Times,
published June 18, 2001

TULSA, Okla. -- Call it off. Send home the clowns.

Pack the trophy in Bubble Wrap and stuff it into a closet. Declare the title vacant. It's over. Nobody won.

Cancel the outdated playoff format for today. Shred the statistics. Erase the videotape.

Whatever you do, stop this farce called the U.S. Open golf tournament.

Now, before someone hurts himself. Laughing.

No one deserves this title. No one seems to want it, so no one gets it. Next year, let them play for two trophies.

Never has there been such a lame, forgettable, blooper reel of an event as Sunday's final round of the U.S. Open. Never have there been flops followed by flubs followed by gaffes followed by gags followed by loony tunes. Never has the thought of winning something precious caused so many so-called professionals to shrink away in terror.

For goodness' sake, Tiger Woods lost to these guys?

Welcome to the I've-Got-An-Anaconda-Wrapped-Around-My- Throat Open, played on the links where everyone is dead-set to be the weakest.

This was golf? If Bobby Jones had been alive, this would have killed him. Not to say this tournament set the sport back years, but at the pro shop, they have niblicks on sale.

This was awful all around. It would have been as funny as Caddyshack, if only the performances weren't as bad as Caddyshack II. Not since Super Bowl V, the Blooper Bowl, has there been a major championship where so many people played so poorly. But even the Blooper Bowl had Chuck Howley.

Whom did the Open have? Well, it had Mark "Panther" Brooks, cruising along toward his second major. Until he bogeyed on 18. It had Retief "Leopard" Goosen, cruising toward making you care who Retief Goosen happens to be. Until he bogeyed 18. It had Stewart "Lion" Cink, who certainly seemed in synch. Until he double-bogeyed 18.

At the time of their trouble, it should be mentioned, all of them happened to be 5 under par and tied for the tournament lead as they marched, one by one, off the cliff. None of the three could make a putt the length of this paper. The width, for that matter.

"It's the saddest thing I've ever seen in watching sports," Paul Azinger said.

"I was sick to my stomach," Rocco Mediate said.

If ever golfers have spoken for the rest of us, it is Azinger and Mediate.

History tells us the Open is often about the last man standing. You do not win it. You survive it. But usually, someone does. Either Woods or Payne Stewart or Lee Janzen or someone. Not this time. This was choreographed disaster.

In the debate that Woods is the only reason to watch golf, this will become exhibit A. Shame on the field for that. With Woods hopelessly behind, this was the perfect opportunity for the golfers to prove that, yes, there are a lot of great players on the tour.

Sunday, you couldn't have found any with a search party. Sunday, you could have argued there aren't any.

Sadly, the gap between Woods and the rest of the field seems only partially due to his greatness. There continues to be something missing in the rest of the field. You could understand the failures of Goosen and Brooks and Cink. They're supposed to spend their Sundays fighting it out for 27th.

But what about the other familiar names? Where were they?

Phil Mickelson? This was supposed to be his day, remember? He finished with six bogeys, and he fell so far we can only be thankful he didn't land on someone. Asked for a comment, Mickelson clawed at his neck and said, "Arrrrggghhh." Seriously, what Mickelson said was that he wasn't going to beat himself up. How compassionate of him.

David Duval? He took a submarine from the leaderboard early and vanished. He finished 4 over par for the day. Duval indicated that he wouldn't beat up Mickelson, either. But someone should.

Sergio Garcia? He began the day four strokes under par. They were all gone by the turn. Just like that, Garcia's game, as well as his face, looked like a kid's. He finished 7 over par and apologized for wasting your precious time.

By reputation, these are the three contestants most likely to challenge Woods. The truth is, they're so far away from Tiger they shouldn't be allowed to purchase Frosted Flakes. On Sunday, with victory in sight, with Woods in the rearview mirror, with strangers on the leaderboard, they each had one birdie. One. Duval was three shots worse Sunday than Saturday. Mickelson was seven worse. Garcia was nine worse.

And why should we ever think it will be different?

Frankly, it would be have been nice to see someone angry over this. It would be welcome to see Mickelson, or Duval, or Garcia toss a club or kick a chair. Even out of the hunt, you can see Woods tongue-lash himself after an errant shot. Everyone else seems comfortable where he is.

So let me get this straight. Our reward for all of this bad golf is ... more bad golf? Because of its tradition -- read: backward -- the U.S. Open will have an 18-hole playoff today.

That's not only cruel and unusual punishment, given the circumstances, it's just plain dumb for the sport which, frankly, can use all the playoffs it can get. The other majors all have one form of playoff or another these days. Remember Woods against Bob May in last year's PGA? That didn't exactly tarnish the trophy, did it?

On the other hand, perhaps people who play this way deserve daytime TV. I'll bet you just can't wait to see Goosen and Brooks tee it up against Jerry Springer.

Today's scheduled show: Watch out, he's carrying a putter.

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