IT -- Freedom to choose, ready or not

By CECILIA TUCKER

© St. Petersburg Times,
published June 18, 2001

When I entered middle school I thought I'd be in school and under my parents' control forever. Now I'm sitting here thinking about how it feels to know I'm out of high school and on my own. I finally graduated and am making more of my own decisions, like not yet deciding whether I'll eventually go to college, or getting a job, or perhaps soon leaving my parents. I've always said it's what I wanted. Now that it is really happening, I am scared to death. I don't know if I can juggle all of this and still manage to have fun.

The part about graduating high school is overwhelming to me.I have been in school forever, without having any other choice. I had to go to school. I had to attend classes every day. Cutting class was a way to rebel but not a choice I could make without consequences if I got caught. I ate cafeteria food five days a week. I got graded on my behavior as well as my academic performance. There was help available if I need it. Some of my teachers gave me extra work if I needed to boost my grade to the next mark.Grades were curved if the whole class did poorly. Teachers contacted my parents and conferences were set if I had a problem. Report cards came home regularly and as the semester continued everyone knew where I stood in each class. I understand jobs and schools after high school aren't this way.

I have complained forever about not being trusted enough by my parents to make my own decisions. Well, that is about to change, too. Leaving high school will force this issue. Five years ago, I was begging my parents to let me control my own life. I was trying to show them how little control they had over me. Today I realize I now have what I've said I have always wanted ... freedom to choose! What if I mess up? Where will I go if I get stuck? Who'll give me advice and pull me in if I start to wander? I want to decide with whom I will be friends, where I will go and when I will come in at night. If I go on to further my education, I want to select my classes and decide, without being punished, whether I go every day. Curfew, staying up all night, going to class, friend selection, what I do and where I go will be my decisions from now on. It's about time I make these decisions by myself. If I haven't learned how to choose by now, I guess I'll know that soon.

There are some decisions I should have made by now, but I haven't. Now there is no putting it off. Getting a job will get me more money. Money is good! But do I get a job and not go to school? Am I going for the money now and moving out soon or is school in my plans? Do I go to school part time and work some? Do I get more education and not work except in the summers and a few hours each week? If I eventually decide to go to school will I select a school close to home? Am I ready to move away from home?

Working full time feels permanent to me, especially if my career choice for life could be flipping burgers, waiting tables, construction, factory work or being a salesperson. I don't think these are bad choices; but I'd better be sure I can live with the hours, the pay and the hard work any one of these would involve. I can always go back to school later if I change my mind.

Leaving home all of a sudden looks different than it has ever looked before. It doesn't sound nearly as good now that I hear my fears and uncertainties. I know I can make my own way. I believe I will be okay, but the confidence I thought I had in the eighth grade is not how I feel now. Making my own decisions may not be all that I dreamed it would be. I know my parents won't leave me, but now it is my decision to figure out when and how I will leave them. I don't want anyone to know just how scared I am now that I have the freedom to choose.

-- IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Tucker, who has been in counseling practice since 1979, writes this column under the guidance of a panel of teenage advisers, who approve the topics and offer their insights (in exchange for pizza). You may write her c/o: IT!, X-Press, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com.

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