Random Thoughts

SHELTON E-mail: Click here Archive

By GARY SHELTON

© St. Petersburg Times, published June 25, 2000

Hidy, I'm Mace Michaels, and I was just wondering. Anyone hear how the golf came out?

-- Dennis Miller? Dennis Miller? And who's the sideline reporter? Joe Piscopo?

-Just wondering: When Sebastian Janikowski signs on to America Online, does his computer really say "Welcome ... you've got bail."

-- The way I see it, the Lakers only need three or four more things before they can be considered a dynasty. Those things are called "championships."

-- Can you believe Dennis Tito, the guy who paid $20-million to go into space? What a waste. Just think: For that much money, he could have paid this year's salaries for Wilson Alvarez, Juan Guzman and Vinny Castilla.

-- I mean, assuming the guy really wanted to see a black hole.

-- Good news that Malcolm Glazer isn't suing his fans anymore. I can't wait until the home opener when some drunken fan stumbles into the owner's box, checks his ticket and says, "Would someone tell the Quaker Oats guy over there to move? He's in my chair!"

-- What I want to know about the Lakers championship is this: Who let all those soccer fans into Los Angeles?

-- I love the way Bobby Smith is playing but, um, why do I get the craving for snow-cones when I watch?

-- Wow. They sure are taking losing hard in England. To punish players for their dreadful showing in Euro 2000, team officials have decided that two more players have to marry Spice Girls.

-- Let's see. Cat Stevens took the Peace Train, Don Cornelius took the Soul Train, Sheena Easton's baby took the morning train, and now John Rocker's going to take the No. 7 train. Which will, of course, make it the Disoriented Express.

-- If I were Rocker, of course, I'd worry about the old caboose.

-- Question: Is an XFL contract waiting for Danny Wuerffel if he wins the World Bowl for the Fire? Answer: No, only if he says he enjoys lighting them.

-- In case you missed it, here's the summation of Sports Illustrated's insightful takeout on Anna Kournikova: "She sure is purty."

-- Followed by the sound of drooling.

-- Some career path by Dennis Miller, though. From Saturday Night Live to Monday Night Dead.

-- I don't know. How do you figure A.C. Green celebrated his championship?

-- Why wait? With all the problems in Greece, maybe Tampa Bay can get the 2004 Olympics.

-- Reggie White is considering a comeback. And why not? He can't let Rocker have all the fun.

-- I don't see why everyone criticizes Chuck Knoblauch. Most second basemen don't even have a brushback pitch.

-- Chicken Run? Wasn't that the title of the '84 Bucs highlight film?

-- Gee. Just think what Tiger Woods would score if he played with the same casual approach to the rules as the guys in your cart?

-- I don't know what you were thinking when Scott Norwood missed that kick in Super Bowl XXV, but I'm betting Mace Michaels was thinking "Hmm. I wonder if it will rain?"

-- In all seriousness, I think Miller is a hoot. Not only that, we'll finally be able to tell whether there has been more drug use in the NFL or on SNL.

-- Did you see where Shaq bought a police car? Turns out it was a nice gesture to replace one damaged in the riots, but there for a minute, I was afraid Dennis Rodman was going to rejoin the team after all.

-- What's harder to swallow? The drink Janikowski has just mixed, or the way he explains things?

-- Here's the real reason English soccer fans rioted. Seems that just before the Romanian penalty kick, some weatherman broke in to announce the Spanish Armada had been turned back.

-- Gone in Sixty Seconds. What? Did Art Williams write a book about his tenure with the Lightning?

-- So, if you were going to get killed by a waterspout, would you want to go into eternity without knowing if Tiger had made the putt?

-- When Denis Savard and Steve Young compare halls of fame, do you think they'll agree Tampa Bay put them both over the top?

-- Me, neither.

-- I'm sure the Lightning is better this week than last, but does anyone else wonder if the team would be further along if Jaromir Jagr and Chris Pronger had played for the Detroit Vipers?

-- Good thing Janikowski has been drafted into the NFL now. If he were still at FSU, he'd be in trouble. Why, he might even be barred from the July 4 picnic.

-- I say if we can get Mike Tyson, Rocker, Mark Chmura, Carl Lindros and Darryl Strawberry on an island, we can make Survivor an Olympic event.

-- Whew. The Saints have not fired Fetch Monster, the dog that retrieved kicking tees, after all. The team was going to before it discovered that its flea problem disappeared with the firing of Mike Ditka.

-- Three things I don't want to see: The Cubs without Sammy Sosa, the Allman Brothers without Dickie Betts and any show about island survivors without Dawn Wells.

-- Hmm. Carl Everett says he doesn't believe there ever were dinosaurs. Wouldn't you think he'd have seen the Yankees' pitching staff by now?

-- So, I guess we've finally found a Saturday Night Live cast member Rush Limbaugh likes even less than Al Franken.

-- I'm trying to work up sympathy for the Screen Actors Guild, which is upset at Shaquille O'Neal's filming of an "I'm going to Disneyland" commercial. But I keep coming back to this: Didn't they make movies during the NBA strike?

-- Shaft. Ricky Williams remembers his contract bonus from the Saints.

-- Not that I'd worry about my career if I were Al Michaels, but does anyone know what happened to Sandra Bullock after appearing with Miller in The Net?

-- Sorry to break in, but we'll get right back to this column after an update about a waterspout over Tampa Bay. No, there still isn't one.

-- Finally, with all the reporters and police officers hanging around, will there be room for Rocker on the No. 7 train?

© St. Petersburg Times. All rights reserved.

Headlines

Americans Lose in 1st Round of Davis Cup

---