Mission improbable

You, too, can be an action hero with this survival handbook. Okay, maybe not, but desk jockeys are eating it up.

By SUSAN ASCHOFF, Times Staff Writer

© St. Petersburg Times, published July 2, 2000

[Times art: Teresanne Cossetta]

Clinging to the roof of a subway train, his undershirt ripped and filthy, sweat pouring down his face, he inches forward on the swaying car, swings down onto the ladder and climbs inside. He is looking for a bomb.

Seconds before it explodes he finds it and flings it out onto the tracks.

I could do that.

Actor Bruce Willis, in Die Hard With a Vengeance, probably had five trick camera angles and three stunt doubles to pull off the deed.

But I have the book. Here it is in Chapter 3: "How to Maneuver on Top of a Moving Train and Get Inside." And the bomb? Chapter 4.

Who needs John McClane when there's The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook?

The caution-sign-yellow paperback, sized to be tucked into the pocket of a safari jacket, has become a cult phenomenon among desk jockeys and the reasonably paranoid everywhere.

The book compiles advice from skydivers, pilots, Navy SEALs, stunt men and others on how to handle 40 life-and-death emergencies. Almost 500,000 copies have been sold since its publication in November, many to readers who likely have trouble opening a jar of spaghetti sauce, much less safely somersaulting off a building into a Dumpster.

Worst-Case has made the New York Times best-seller list and is ranked in the top 50 on Amazon.com. Attorney General Janet Reno is said to have a copy on her desk. Bruce Willis bought a dozen when he was in Philadelphia making a movie. Maybe he was rusty on "How to Perform a Fast 180-Degree Turn with Your Car" (Chapter 1).

Stuck in quicksand? Cornered by a mountain lion? Aloft with a disabled pilot?

If the bimbo flight attendant in the made-for-TV movie can land the plane when the pilot passes out, Worst-Case tells how you can, too.

Authors David Borgenicht and Joshua Piven were inspired to write their disaster how-to because of one of life's little truths: You just never know.

And because all that hero stuff is really cool.

"It largely came out of a desire to learn how to be an action hero, to learn how to do the things that James Bond and Indiana Jones do," says Borgenicht. He and Piven, writers and editors in Philadelphia, wondered how MacGyver could disable a despot's security system with a bent paper clip and a thread pulled from his jacket.

Neither author is famously daring. Borgenicht, the book blurb says, has swiped minibottles from the drink cart on Delta without getting caught. Piven has survived several computer crashes.

They are, they say, just a couple of journalists who worry a lot.

When Worst-Case debuted, the pair did a lot of talk shows, interviews and book signings, says Borgenicht. But timing was everything. On the eve of the millennium, the doomsayers were at full volume and the populace was nervous.

Worst-Case "appeals to people who are looking for real information, who have real fears about things," says Borgenicht. "What would I do if. . . . ?"

My parachute failed to open.

My scuba tank ran out of air.

An alligator had me in his jaws. (Punch it in the snout. An alligator often lets go if you tap it on the nose, the book says.)

"People like to have some measure of control in a situation that, by its nature, is out of control," Borgenicht says.

"We hope nobody has to ever use any of the information -- the odds that the double agent will chase you onto the top of a moving train are rare -- but you'll have it if you do," he says.

A Worst-Case Scenario Survival Calendar is due in July. Next March, Worst-Case Travel will, among other things, tell how to jump from building to building, survive being taken hostage or escape civil unrest.

"We talk about what to do if you're in a foreign country and the guerillas stage a coup, how to get past the blockades, how to reach the airport," says Borgenicht.

Readers are invited to suggest scenarios for future books at a Web site (www.worstcasescenarios.com). Many, it seems, are fretting about issues larger than finding a parking place close to the mall.

Janet, from Maine, wants to know how to escape from a stuck elevator. Jamie, who sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, needs tips on how to jump out of a third-story window without breaking his legs.

An authoritative-sounding doctor gives the recipe for preserving a severed hand: Wrap in cloth moistened with water or milk, place in baggie or jar, and put on ice.

J.S. from Tacoma wants an action plan should a "hawk grab your child or chihuahua."

At the beginning of Worst-Case, there is a page entitled WARNING. "The best course of action," it reads, "is to consult a professionally trained expert. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO UNDERTAKE ANY OF THE ACTIVITIES DESCRIBED IN THIS BOOK YOURSELF."

Still, when 23-million Americans are tuning into CBS's Survivor each week to watch city folk try to start a fire with two sticks, a book of skills we will never need on the commute to our cubicles feels right at home in the glove compartment.

Step aside, Bruce. We've read and we're ready for action.

Never fear, the handbook is here

Here are some tips from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook.

How to survive if your parachute doesn't open

• 1. When you realize your chute is faulty, wave your arms and point to your chute so a jumping companion whose chute has not yet opened will know you're in trouble.
• 2. When your companion "and new best friend" gets to you, hook arms.
• 3. Hooked together, you will be falling at about 130 miles per hour. When your friend opens his chute, there will be no way you can hold on because the G-forces triple or quadruple your body weight. To prepare, hook your arms into his chest strap or through the two side straps of the front of his harness, all the way up to your elbows, then grab your own harness straps.
• 4. When his chute opens, it will probably dislocate or break your arms.
• 5. Your friend must now hold onto you with one arm while steering his canopy with the other. If his canopy is big, you may hit the dirt slowly enough to break only a leg. If his canopy is small, he will have to steer to avoid hitting the ground too fast.
• 6. If there is a body of water nearby, land in the water. Of course, once you splash down you will have to tread with just your legs because your arms are broken. And you will have to hope your partner pulls you out before your pack takes on water and sinks you.

How to deal with a charging bull

• 1. Do not move. Do not antagonize the bull.
• 2. Look for a safe spot to run to: open door, fence to jump, high ground.
• 3. If a safe spot is not available, remove an article of clothing. It does not matter if it is red. The bull is distracted by motion. Wave it at the bull.
• 4. If the bull charges, stand still and then throw the clothing away from you. The bull should head toward the object you've thrown.
• 5. If you are in a stampede of bulls or cattle, try to get out of the way. If you cannot, your only option is to run alongside to avoid getting trampled. Bulls are not like horses and will not avoid you if you lie down. So keep moving.

How to take a punch to the body

• 1. A body blow to the gut can damage organs and kill. Harry Houdini died from an unexpected blow to the abdomen.
• 2. Tighten your stomach muscles.
• 3. Do not suck in your stomach if you suspect a punch is imminent.
• 4. If possible, shift slightly so that the blow hits your side, but do not flinch or move away from the punch. Try to absorb the blow with your obliques: the muscles that wrap around your ribs.
• 5. A blow here may crack a rib. But it is less likely to damage internal organs.

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