Random thoughts

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By GARY SHELTON

© St. Petersburg Times, published July 16, 2000

Hello, I'm Tracy McGrady, and I'll have the cheese omelet ... on second thought, make that French toast ... no, wait, eggs Benedict ... no wait. . .

-- Sheesh. Not to say McGrady says yes a lot, but for a minute, I thought the Magic was trying to sign Madonna.

-- Isn't it amazing how quickly some of those players too wounded to play in the All-Star Game healed? So where did they spend the break? Lourdes?

-- Did you see where a British golfer named Joe Lewis is paying $2.3-million to play a round of golf with Tiger Woods? So, do you think that includes cart?

-- And how much for an extra mulligan?

-- Regarding the Eric Lindros trade, I'd give any player not named Lecavalier and a No. 1. And if his parents didn't come in the deal, I'd make it two No. 1s.

-- In attempting to recruit Tim Duncan, the Magic bought four first-class airplane tickets, rented a $1,500-a-day resort suite and offered a $67-million contract. Duncan turned the offer down, perhaps because he thought he was being recruited by UNLV all over again.

-- So who do Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras think they are? Mark McGwire and Ken Griffey?

-- This just in: McGrady says Chicago is "my kind of town."

-- I don't know about you, but I'm shocked and appalled at the idea of a race car endorsed by Viagra. Give me the beer-sponsored cars in the tobacco-sponsored races any time.

-- Let's see. The NFL is going from 31 teams to 32, the XFL is adding 10 teams, the Arena League is adding five, and another new Arena League is talking about adding 72 teams in five years. The way I have it figured, 17 more teams, and Rick Mirer is going to find a place he can play.

-- Perhaps his name should be Tracy McMaybe.

-- Three reasons baseball will not eliminate franchises: 1) Who's going to break the news to Don Fehr? 2) Who's going to hire all the lawyers to handle all the suits? 3) Who's going to bet with Pete Rose on which franchises will fold?

-- If I were a pro tennis player, I know what I'd give Sampras and his fiancee as a wedding gift. Pastry recipes.

-- Yep, can't beat that Internet. You can call up RodmanTV.com, and see Dennis dance. Or you can call up AskOJ.com, and listen to O.J. dance.

-- Usually, it's American television that rips off British shows. But if I'm Great Britain, I'm watching Survivor very closely. How else are they going to vote Mike Tyson off their island?

-- It's going to be a sad day in Montreal if baseball owners disband the Expos. I mean, what else are the local papers going to put on page six?

-- I don't know about you, but I feel safer now that John McEnroe is an active member of the U.S. Davis Cup team. After all, you never know when a case of Bjorn Borg is going to break out.

-- I understand one of the mutants in the X-Men movie is a shape shifter. Think she could give advice to David Wells? Or, for that matter, me?

-- Was that really Jim Gray at the All-Star game? I don't think I've seen someone tamed so completely since R.P. McMurphy had the lobotomy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

-- News flash: McGrady loves L.A.

-- I don't know what it would take to rescue track and field in this country, but here's an idea: parimutuel windows.

-- As for me, I'll take Michael Johnson and lay the points.

-- One question about John Rocker pitching here today. How is he going to find time for the Braves between meeting with all the local committees that seem to want to make him mayor?

-- They're weird. They're unwanted. They're getting marketing to the point of making you ill. Yep, they're Vince McMahon's XFL-Men.

-- I'll say this about Terry Bowden and his gag order. He isn't very good at it, is he?

-- Did you see where Ben Johnson couldn't run down a female pickpocket who stole his wallet? All I know is that either Ben is running low of STP, or Marion Jones better have an alibi.

-- Personally, the adjective I'd use for Wells is "chiseled," especially from shoulder to fingertip. Which means, I guess, that either Sports Illustrated or I are looking at the wrong parts.

-- So what you're saying, Mr. Selig, is that Bobby Cox would have been better off if instead of bumping the umpire he would have, say, spit in his face?

-- So, can't you imagine the faces of those in charge of PETA if Ron Wolf called back and said, "Okay, you win. We're changing the name of the Green Bay Packers to the Green Bay Fur-Wearing, Meat-Eating, Bambi-Hunting Wisconsinites. Thank you."

-- If they made me baseball commissioner, I'd call Roger Clemens into my office and lay it on the line. I'd say "Roger, we do not condone beanballs, and you can hurt someone throwing at his head. And, by the way, did you hear what Albert Belle said about you?"

-- This just in: Bud Selig says he'll wait until 2002 to move that end table.

-- Man, do I love contests. Here's one, for instance, that wants you to pick every NFL team's record, plus conference and Super Bowl champions. The prize is $20-million. Then there is the contest that wants you to correctly pick four No. 1 draft picks. The prize is that you change your name to "Mel Kiper."

-- I don't know when Vince Naimoli will assure fans that, no, the Rays won't be folding and, no, they won't be moving. But now seems like a pretty good time.

-- Finally, yes, McGrady will end up in Orlando. Because, well, what are the words to Dueling Banjos?

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