Socially unacceptable -- and attention-getting

By KATHERINE SNOW SMITH

© St. Petersburg Times, published July 23, 2000

I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the fruit of her nose-picking labors. Since she isn't a habitual nose picker, I didn't scold her but didn't think I should praise her either.

"That must feel good to get that out. Next time you can use a Kleenex," I said. Apparently it felt so good and was such satisfying work that Olivia found new purpose in her life. She often says she wants to be an artist, a fixer or a pizza cook when she grows up -- now her destiny had changed.

"Mommy, guess what," she exclaimed. "When I grow up I'm going to be a nose cleaner and clean all my friends' noses and other people's noses for them."

While few parents have a child who aspires to be a professional nose picker, most of us have tried to curtail this habit at one time or another. My 3-year-old actually doesn't do it that often, but my 18-month-old has that nose-to-mouth motion down pat. She does it most often lying in her crib when she's dozing off to sleep.

Friends of ours have a 3-year-old son who has picked up the habit, so to speak, to the point that he made his nose bleed a couple of times. His parents used that to illustrate to him why he shouldn't do it.

"Now he still picks his nose, and in the last week or two, he then comes running in, saying: "Is my nose red?' " his father told me. "So he's still picking his nose, and he's paranoid."

At least if they don't catch him in the act, he lets them know when he has been picking, and his parents remind him to clean his nose in the bathroom if he has to do it.

"It really is just a very innocent, natural act for kids," said Patricia Shiflett, a St. Petersburg psychologist who specializes in children and families. "It's utilitarian. It serves a purpose. It gets the job done."

Parents should calmly redirect their children when they begin the behavior, she said. Put something else in their hands, be it a crayon, a book or a tissue. You can offer rewards, from praise, to stickers, to a toy when they reach certain levels of abstinence. At first it may be a sticker, just for stopping when you ask them. In time it may be something else for going a whole day without doing it.

"Using positive techniques is far more useful than any kind of negative technique," Shiflett told me. "Negative attention can make them nervous, and then it becomes a nervous habit."

She also suggested trying saline spray or a humidifier to keep the mucus from drying out inside the nose, to alleviate some of the motivation. Bruce Epstein, longtime St. Petersburg pediatrician, agreed that the little attention a parent calls to the habit, the better.

"All they know is if they put their finger in this orifice, they are going to get attention," he said. "The best thing to do is to calmly remove their finger from the nose, saying as few words as possible, like, "We don't pick our nose.' "

Five seconds later, when the finger goes back in the nose, simply do it again. The third time take your child to his bedroom and tell him if he wants to pick his nose to do it alone in there.

"This may sound strange, but I would tell a mother, when you take your child into the bedroom put his finger back in his nose yourself. Tell him: "Pick your nose all you want to in here, but don't do it in public.' "

When children learn it's a socially unacceptable habit that isn't getting them any extra attention from Mom or Dad, they should stop in time. Though most parents deal with this, Epstein said that few ever asked him what to do about it. It's an embarrassing topic that people don't even want to mention to their pediatrician.

"You just have to be cool about it," he said. If you're in a car and can't send a child to his or her room, pull over briefly and tell the child to stop, then ignore it the rest of the way. If you're out shopping with Grandma and your child is going at it, try one whisper in the ear telling her to stop, then drop it, Epstein said. Grandma, the saleslady, or you yourself may be dying to scream: "Get that finger out of your nose," but you must remain cool.

Shiflett also suggested explaining to your child, depending on the age, why it is inappropriate. You can tell an older child that the nose is very delicate and you don't want to scratch the inside of it. With a preschool-age child, go out and look at other children and adults and point out that you don't see anybody else doing it.

For a child under 2, it's harder.

"Instead of saying "no, no,' try redirecting and bear with it for a while. With a child that young, it does not mean it will be a permanent habit," Shiflett said. "Little kids are just so curious about everything about their bodies."

I can understand why these little nose holes seem the logical place to stick a little finger, but why then does it go in the mouth?

"Kids are prone to want to see how things taste," Shiflett said. "In fetal development, the nerve endings that develop first are around the mouth. They just like that oral stimulation."

- To reach Rookie Mom call (727) 822-7225 or e-mail Oliviachar@sptimes.com. Please tell me what kid-friendly businesses, from restaurants to stores to doctors, make it easy for you to get things done with your kids in tow.

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