Random thoughts

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By GARY SHELTON

© St. Petersburg Times, published July 30, 2000

Hello, I'm Chuck LaMar and I just want to say this: Whee! Now that I've tried this trading thing, I think I like it.

-- But if Yasser Arafat wants Steve Trachsel, he's still going to have to give me the Gaza Strip in return.

-- Classy speech by Joe Montana, but you couldn't have blamed him if he had said, "It's nice being in the Hall of Fame and all, but I'm Joe Montana. Don't you have a better room?"

-- Does anyone know if O.J. Simpson has left town yet? See, I have these sunglasses to return, and I want to be sure the coast is clear.

-- And the final score is: Michael Johnson, with his cramp, isn't exactly Kellen Winslow at the goal line. Maurice Greene, with his strain, isn't exactly Lance Armstrong outpedaling cancer. And track athletes, overall, aren't exactly doing the sequel to Braveheart.

-- Eric Lindros finishes that race. Kirk Gibson finishes that race. Heck, Nancy Kerrigan finishes that race.

-- Manny Ramirez, man of the people. I mean, you aren't signing a $75-million contract either, are you?

-- Curt Schilling? I guess this is yet another one of those times when we aren't supposed to compare the Tampa Bay franchise to Arizona's, huh?

-- Not to say the transformation of the Bucs into a powerhouse seems magical somehow, but does Rich McKay look like he could be Harry Potter's dad to anyone else?

-- I hate missing the news. Exactly when did Pat Kennedy start to recruit for the Bulls?

-- I can't say I was surprised to see an FSU athlete in trouble again, and I can't say I was shocked that it was about solicitation. But 10 bucks? What? Was Derrick Gibson trying to invoke the Peter Warrick discount?

-- The way I see it, the only chance Philadelphia has of keeping a superstar is if the 76ers trade Allen Iverson to the Flyers for Eric Lindros.

-- What do you mean, the Rays traded Rick White and Jim Mecir? Don't they know that without them, they're going to finish in last place.

-- Give me Tyson-Kathie Lee, 12 rounds, and I'll forgive the guy who invented pay-per-view.

-- Tough news about Darryl Strawberry's cancer, but you have to wonder. When he joined that swingers' club in Fort Lauderdale, do you really think he was looking for batting cages?

-- I, for one, was disappointed to hear the Sydney Olympics were not going to test for the human growth hormone. I not only wanted officials to test for it, I wanted them to cure it for those of us who accidentally contracted it through, you know, cheeseburgers.

-- I don't like Tampa-St. Pete's chance to win The Sporting News' online poll for best sports city. Especially since it didn't make the 20-city choice. Makes you wonder. Is it our city, or our sports?

-- In a nice gesture, the Cowboys will wear a patch of Tom Landry's fedora on their jerseys. But, um, how much of an honor will it be when Stephen Davis keeps stepping on it?

-- The Dolphins want to replace Dan Marino in the worst way. Which probably explains why Bert Emanuel was under center the other day.

-- Say this for the Red Sox. Their batboy can beat up your batboy.

-- All I know about Strawberry is this: When your career is a high-wire act, a club called Trapeze II can't be considered a good idea.

-- I don't know about you, but my favorite Olympic Trials will come when Juan Antonio Samaranch testifies in them.

-- I don't know how much of Shea Stadium is going to react to Bubba Trammell. But I'm willing to bet they're going to like him in section 142.

-- In case you missed it, our old buddy Shawn Burr retired the other day. The retirement speech is expected to conclude three weeks from Wednesday.

-- So that's what was wrong with the Trent Dilfer-Emanuel battery. The wrong guy was throwing to the wrong guy.

-- Just wondering: How are the Panthers' negotiations with Bubba Smith going?

-- Not to say a certain sprinter damaged his own credibility last week, but the last time Moe Greene had this tough a day, Michael Corleone was in church.

-- Don't you love Stanford coach Frank Brennan's take on Anna Kournikova? "If she was short, fat and ugly and had no money," Brennan said, "she'd be fantastic." Which is what I was thinking. Poor Anna.

-- Dan Kendra left the Colts? What? Was there no chemistry?

-- Now I see the Screen Actors Guild is after Tiger Woods for filming a car commercial. Let me ask you this: Why doesn't SAG become offended when athletes act like chuckleheads?

-- This just in. Robby Benson, star of One on One, has rejected a free-agent contract from the Bulls. The Bulls are now set on Michael J. Fox, who "handled the ball pretty good in Teen Wolf."

-- Look, it isn't that I mind that Simpson and Dennis Rodman are on the Web. I just hate that there isn't a giant, man-eating spider there, too.

-- Finally, here's your lifetime score on New York sports: Bachelors III, Trapeze II. In overtime.

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