When best laid plans go awry, do a house project

By C.T. BOWEN

© St. Petersburg Times,
published August 1, 2001

Bachelorhood has returned. Temporarily.

With the better half taking the offspring to New York for a visit with their maternal grandparents, it is appropriate to rediscover the roots as a preparental, sports-loving couch potato.

At least that is the plan. The missus would argue this rediscovery occurs every football season anyway, but that is a story for another time.

Preparations had to be made. Buying two books is a good idea. There should be plenty of uninterrupted reading. Though it is odd now to digest the morning newspaper without the Dragon Tales vs. Pokemon television viewing debate raging in the background.

Perusing the movie listings also is imperative. The better half stays away from science fiction and heavy dramas. She prefers watching Julia Roberts falling in love with somebody. Guys go for explosions.

That makes Planet of the Apes a logical choice to see solo. It also will continue the streak sparked by parenthood: Virtually every movie we've seen over the past half-dozen years features talking animals or cartoon characters.

Certainly, this is not unique. In Land O'Lakes, 87 percent of the 7,646 households have children, and half are kids younger than 18, according to the 2000 Census. That translates into a lot of trips to New Tampa for Shrek showings.

How else to spend the leisure time? As a suddenly childless adult, there is the chance to float around the pool when the stated desire is to actually float around the pool. Usually, noisy games of Marco Polo or the prerequisite challenge to do cannonballs interrupt the pool-side serenity.

After entertainment comes consumption. Can't forget the dietary considerations: replacing skim milk with light beer. This is obligatory. The only greens in the refrigerator will be very new cheese or very old meat as bachelor/journalist Oscar Madison warned his poker buddies in The Odd Couple.

At our house, the spouse fretted over the empty state of the pantry upon her departure. Twice she warned of the pending need to go to the grocery store. The concern is misplaced. She should be more worried about 10 days with her own mother.

The staples, of course, are meat and starch. It is the Atkins diet with a side order of fries. This is not an exclusive viewpoint. One of the near-vegetarians in the newsroom detailed her husband's nightly meals during an extended, work-related separation: Banquet fried chicken and mashed potatoes.

The free time isn't without responsibilities entirely. After all, there is a fish to be fed; a task forgotten until the second morning when the solitary goldfish's bug-eyed exasperation finally caught the attention of the coffee-slurping commentary writer across the kitchen. There were other mentions of household cleaning and picking up school clothes on lay-away. Mundane stuff likely to be forgotten in the solitude.

Naturally, bachelorhood hasn't worked out as planned. The first disappointment came while glancing at the Devil Rays schedule. A day in the cheap seats is a good way to help pass the time. Except the family's vacation coincided with the team's longest road trip of the year.

No problem. Maybe it is an opportune time to pick up the pace of exercising. I scheduled three nights of basketball. The second disappointment came after arriving at the prearranged time for a pick-up game. The gymnasium was locked.

Staying in isn't such a bad idea. Returning home, though, it is discovered the same storm that caused temporary power interruptions around the county had knocked out the cable to the Land O'Lakes domicile. No ESPN and the severity of the rainfall discouraged a trip to the video store.

So, on the first night of being a single, middle-aged aspiring athlete, the would-be Allen Iverson morphed into Tim Allen.

Inspecting the dark, maroon wallpaper in the bath/laundry room provided inspiration. Home Depot already has been visited. Ripping down the paper, sanding and repainting the walls lies ahead. Despite the apparent spontaneity, this is not a rash decision. The chore has been on the to-do list for eight years.

It will be a surprise and either earn accolades for ambition or scorn for tackling a project without spousal supervision. A married co-worker offered another observation.

You tackle a project like that, she said, and your family will go away more often.

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