Tampabay: Adding up X's and O's, getting a big, fat zero

A young cousin of mine took a job at Disney World this summer to earn money for college. She sold hats, toys, dolls, T-shirts, the whole shmear of Disney paraphernalia, at a little shop.

There was a time when you'd have called her a salesgirl. A clerk in a trinket trap.

But not at Disney. Disney long ago took over the culture, so the language was bound to succumb. At Disney, my cousin was no mere clerk. She was called a "merchantainer," and her part of the Disney business was "merchantainment."

God forbid anybody should be original anymore. Originality requires honest thought.

So I will say up front:

I am stealing from Disney.

They ought to call the teachers who adopt this "Super Learning in a Super City" program being proposed for the schools in Pinellas, Pasco and Hillsborough counties "merchanteachers." And their line of work "merchanteaching."

Then the merchanteachers ought to hang their heads and be forced to write on the blackboards a thousand times, "I am a sellout. I am a sellout. I am a sellout."

A USF professor cooked up this stroke of genius in preparation for next year's Super Bowl in Tampa. On the theory that every child would just be bursting with excitement over the game -- anybody who isn't must be a pointy-headed weirdo -- Kathy Oropallo proposed lesson plans in which kids would write folk tales about NFL mascots. Or taking a cue from the trophy given the Super Bowl winner, they could create trophies for academic events.

You heard right.

Academic events, for the rare occasion when students are taught to do anything more than pass the FCAT.

You often hear teachers and principals say they are asked to do too much, to undo the damage done by warped values kids get at home and on TV.

You feel sorry for the teachers and administrators then.

Now comes a situation where the schools willingly embrace the values they say they despise.

Teaching them to dream that they can grow up to earn $5-million a year.

Teaching them not to wonder why football superstars earn that while their teachers make a pittance.

Teaching them that what matters is appearances. They'll drive the homeless out of downtown Tampa in time for the big game, but will anybody tell kids in school what homelessness is like, what they can do about it?

Indoctrinating them even more about the must-have brand names that would swallow up the paycheck of many of their parents.

Turning them into good little consumers.

The Pasco schools have had a contract with Pepsi. They sell Pepsi products and get money back.

I used to get calls from Pinellas teachers outraged that Hooters was sending discount coupons into the schools to give away as prizes to kids who had done well.

Some textbooks use brand name items to teach math. Imagine one for the Super Kids in this Super City: If an NFL starter was hired to make $5-million a year in a three-year contract and got an $850,000 signing bonus, how much would he earn during his second season?

Mercifully, the Super Bowl merchanteaching program is optional. A teacher doesn't have to use it.

School is just starting in Pinellas. It started a couple of weeks ago in Hillsborough. There are committed teachers and serious students whose names you never hear. They are the sort who will resist this Super Bowl stupidity, and I do not wish to be unfair to them. But it's times like this when you just have to put your head down on your desk and wonder if the schools haven't just plain lost their way, as they grasp for this trick and that to get the attention of kids whose minds are off somewhere, far, far away and not coming back.

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