Northpinellas: Hail Caesar, ruler of our new holiday

Let's face it, the Tampa Bay area is pretty much dazzled by fame. A movie is made here, and it gets big media coverage. A prestigious retail store opens up, and the media are all atwitter, wondering why such a store would choose this area.

That is why it is time for other areas of the country to envy us for something besides our weather and easygoing lifestyle. In short, it's time for us to start an august occasion in August.

Think about it. August is a month that gets no respect. Tampa Bay sometimes thinks it gets no respect. It is a perfect marriage of Rodney Dangerfields that, with a little tinkering here and there, could make us world famous. Okay, okay, at least United States famous.

What I propose is that we start a national holiday in August. I even have a name for it -- Caesar Day -- in honor of the man after whom the month is named. All of those people who count the days between July 4th and Labor Day would finally get another day off, and joy would be unconfined. Right away you know that federal employees would like this idea because they get so few days off as it is. But many other downtrodden workers in our country would certainly welcome this idea with open arms and gassed-up cars, ready to take advantage of a national day off, courtesy of a grass-roots movement that started right here in the Tampa Bay area.

Of course, this holiday would be on a Monday, to give everyone a three-day weekend. That's the trouble with July 4th, which can't be changed and which was very inconveniently in the middle of the week this year. We don't want to make that mistake, so let's say that Caesar Day will be on the first Monday of August every year.

That settled, here are some other things this holiday could feature to make it incredibly festive and just as silly as some of our other holiday rituals:

Beads are thrown from parade floats each year here in Tampa Bay and in New Orleans. During Caesar Day, salad would be thrown at spectators. Of course, this would be Caesar salad, so this might get messy. But if women bare their breasts for beads, just think what might happen if something delicious and edible were being thrown at them.

Politicians would be invited to speak on Caesar Day. You know politicians like to talk; and besides, this would give them another holiday, too. They could go on and on, just as some of the orators used to do in Rome. And, of course, this would give many voters a chance to say to them, "Beware the ides of August. But even more, beware the voting booths of November; because if you're too long winded, we won't vote for you."

Dogs would be honored during Caesar Day. August has traditionally been recognized as the month in which the "dog days of summer" are observed, and it seems like a good idea to include animals in a holiday. Our best friends could be lauded by their owners, and they could be given a day off from being loyal and having to wake us up by licking our faces. We would instead wake them up by licking their faces and they would take us for a ride in the car, during which we could stick our heads out of the window and feel the wind. Just think of the concept: a day off for humans and pets.

Any holiday worth its salt must have decorations, and the choice for Caesar Day is easy to figure out. People in the Tampa Bay area and across the country would festoon their homes with gaudy wallpaper and various faux gambling paraphernalia in honor of Caesar's Palace, that famous casino that shows the glory that was Rome could be restored for only a couple of hundred million dollars. Fuzzy dice, tin foil slot machines and red velvet wallpaper that reminds one of a house of ill repute would dangle from everyone's front porch. This would be a real visual symbol of everyone's support of Caesar Day.

Of course, this is only the beginning. There could be local variations on these themes around the country. People in Seattle, for instance, could special-order Birkenstock Roman sandals for the occasion. People in New York City could throw other unnameable things besides salad from their floats in exchange for everyone baring something or other. You get the picture (even though you may not wish to visualize that last one.)

Well, that's it. Two problems solved: first, curing what seems to be a totally unnecessary inferiority complex for this area; second, providing a much-needed break in a holidayless month.

I don't know about others, but I'm taking that day off for sure, just to get the ball rolling.

-- Douglas Spangler is a writer and former university administrator who lives in Palm Harbor.

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