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'An Ode to Fantasy Football 2001'

By ROGER MILLS

© St. Petersburg Times,
published September 7, 2001

The players change. The rules might get tinkered with. The opponents come and go like a Randy Moss sprint. But the essence of Fantasy Football hasn't changed. It's about scoring points. It doesn't take a scientist to figure it out. Dr. Seuss could probably field a pretty good squad.

To wit, here's "An Ode to Fantasy Football 2001," as likely told by one of Dr. Seuss' most hip characters, the Cat in the Hat:

Points and points. More and more points.

Tradition has it, at least 24 points.

Points from the Raiders. Points from the Rams.

Points from Lions. Heck, I'll take points from the lambs.

Points from the Bengals, the Cardinals and more

Points from the Cowboys and Bears, if they can score.

Points from the quarterback, points from the slot.

Points from a receiver who got busted with pot.

Points from a defense that'll give you 10 picks.

Points from a guy with nine 50-yard kicks.

Oh, to think of the ways you win at this game.

It's good to know, no two thinks are the same.

Who? When? Do you draft with your heart?

Do you pile up favorites, though that's not very smart?

Would you trade up now to get that first pick?

Do you want to go late? Is that the trick?

Would you take the advice of some guy in a book?

Would you sign a free agent without taking a look?

Would you grab any old guy, from here or from there?

Is it best to draft over chicken wings and beer?

Oh to think, it's really easy to win at this game.

You outscore your opponent, you belittle his name.

You tell him you'll win, though half your team has a bye.

You point to your scrubs and say, "This is why!"

You boast, you talk trash, you make your point clear.

It's best to draft over chicken wings and beer.

Here are the clues, if you want that championship season.

But if you lose, don't say I was the reason.

Make an excuse that your star player had a broken leg.

Or say you drafted over chicken wings and a keg.

Never be a gentleman? Never admit your team has no shot?

And confess you drafted badly? I would not.

So, with the first pick, take the Viking quarterback.

On the ground, he'll need to pick up the slack.

With Robert Smith gone, Daunte might be more inclined to run.

A scary thought indeed considering his gun.

Up next is a Faulk who scored 26 times last year.

He should come close again, barring an ACL tear.

Then Edgerrin James, because of how often he'll get the ball.

Then Big Eddie George since he plays 10 feet tall.

Jaguars running back Fred Taylor should then come to mind.

Randy Moss will get 15 scores unless he goes blind.

Then Warner, then Manning, then a 49er quarterback named Jeff.

How about Stephen Davis? He'll run right, he'll run left.

Please note that Marvin Harrison's a heck of a Colt.

Followed by a pair of Rams, one a Bruce, one a Holt.

So there it is, a baker's dozen, a good place to start.

One of them should make your squad, providing you're smart.

If not, you can join my league, the other owners won't mind.

After all, we'll look forward to kicking a rookie's behind.

And when it's said and done, there is but one care.

Come prepared to draft over chicken wings and beer.

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