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You get this and more for $29.95! Act now!By GREG HAMILTON
© St. Petersburg Times, How would you like to be called reverend? Compared to some of the names I've been called in my life, that would be an improvement. So I had to take a closer look at the unsolicited e-mail offer -- spam, in the computer-world jargon -- that arrived one day last week. Minister Charles Simpson has the power to make you a legally ordained minister within 48 hours! You will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church! Ordained within 48 hours? Minister Simpson didn't mention which church, but most denominations require years of theological and divinity training and close examination by the hierarchy of elders before allowing a leader to fly solo. Simpson wraps all that up in two days. Why, it's a miracle! The offer only got better. Marry your brother, sister or your best friend! Look, I love each of my brothers like, well, a brother, but I don't want to marry them. Even if I had a sister, I'm pretty sure there are laws against marrying her. And as for your best friend, what if that happens to be your slobbering Labrador? How would you get a ring that fits on a paw? Where would you register for wedding gifts -- PetSmart? I suppose Minister Simpson meant that you could perform the ceremony, not actually pledge your troth to a sibling or pet. Would that stand up in Florida, though? Maybe. No one I checked with last week seemed to know for sure who, besides clergy, judges and notaries, legally can perform a wedding ceremony. Florida doesn't require licenses for ministers -- the happy couple needs one, however. But the Clerk of Courts office doesn't check the credentials of whomever signs the marriage license as having officiated at the ceremony. Minister Simpson may be onto something here. If nothing else, it's a great way to spend Saturdays loading up on free food and booze while flirting with cute bridesmaids. Baptisms! You can say Welcome to the World!! I am your minister and your uncle! Now, wouldn't that greeting traumatize the hatchling, especially if the uncle happens to be a woman. The poor kid would be in therapy for life. The irresistible incentive, however, was next. Forgiveness of sins! Yowza! Could there be a better weapon than that in the arsenal of an opinion columnist, especially one who plies his trade in Citrus County? Imagine being able to lambaste the School Board or County Commission for their various transgressions, and then absolve them? Imagine being able to tell the entire Crystal River City Council that you could save them from eternal damnation (even if you have your fingers crossed behind your back?) Visit correctional facilities! Something told me that an extended visit to one of these fine institutions may have inspired Minister Simpson's little Internet scheme. The other shoe was about to drop. At this point you must be wondering how much the certificate costs. Right? . . . Considering the value of becoming a certified minister, I'd say the program is easily worth $100. . . . However, it won't cost that much. Not even close. . . . You are going to receive the entire life-changing course for only $29.95! And what, pray tell, do you get for your 30 bucks? 1. 8-inch by 10-inch certificate IN COLOR, WITH GOLD SEAL. (CERTIFICATE IS PROFESSIONALLY PRINTED BY AN INK PRESS). 2. Proof of Minister Certification in YOUR NAME! 3. SHIPPING IS FREE! That's incredible, a sheet of paper, with a GOLD SEAL! And it would have YOUR NAME on it! For only $30? Why, Minister Simpson is much too kind. He's a saint on Earth, that's what he is. LIMITED TIME OFFER: ORDER TODAY! Even saints can't dawdle for all eternity. So, just send cash, check, money order or -- better yet -- your credit card number. While shipping is free here, outside the United States add $11. Just how many stamps do you need to send a piece of paper to Canada? Guess that GOLD SEAL is pretty heavy. If you're as intrigued as I was, by now you're clamoring for the address. Times' policy prevents me from printing that here (something about giving a free ad to someone, especially someone with questionable motives). However, send me your name and address, and I'll pass it along. Just include a check or money order for $29.95 made out to the Greg Hamilton Retirement Fund. And, bless you, my child. (I threw that one in for free.)
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