Imagining a normal day in sports world

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By GARY SHELTON

© St. Petersburg Times,
published September 16, 2001

In the world we used to live in, here's how Saturday may have gone:

6 a.m. -- From Ben Hill Griffith Stadium, the first sounds of Rocky Top are heard in the distance. It is the first of the ceremonial 9,678,312 playings on the day.

9:18 -- Tropical Storm Gabrielle forces delay of Tampa Bay Classic's third round, with John Daly leading by two strokes with only one happy hour to go.

10:34 -- ESPN commentator Lee Corso drops all pretenses and announces plans to change his last name to Bowden.

10:37 -- Michael Jordan says it is a 53 percent likelihood he will come back, down from 55 percent the previous day.

11:15 -- Detroit Lions coach Marty Mornhinweg says that because of a bad practice, he will bench Ty Detmer and play George Plimpton at quarterback.

11:58 -- Tampa Bay Classic announces it is canceling play because of Tropical Storm Gabrielle.

12:05 p.m. -- Vinny Lecavalier announces he will play this season for free. Lightning holds out for better offer.

12:30 -- Before his team's final workout for today's game against the Eagles, Bucs coach Tony Dungy admits there was miscommunication before the Cowboys game. "I said we should be happy if we go 10-6, not win 10-6."

3:25 -- In Gainesville, country-music band Sausage Gravy sings national anthem. No one seems to notice. The Gators take the field as thousands of fans stand and chomp their palms together. "If we beat Tennessee," says one, "we ought to be No. 1."

3:30 -- In Miami, the Hurricanes run on the field as thousands cheer. "We owe Washington," says one fan. "And if we beat them, no one is going to stop us from being No. 1."

3:47 -- Florida quarterback Rex Grossman hits his first seven passes, including a 22-yarder to Jabar Gaffney, who goes to the sideline and holds on to the ball for 11 minutes. Still not long enough, Tennessee coach Phil Fulmer says later.

3:50 -- Clinton Portis breaks loose for a 57-yard run as Miami takes a 7-3 lead against Washington. Portis then calls timeout to lecture the Huskies for showing up.

4:07 -- Grossman throws a deep pass incomplete. Brock Berlin begins to warm up.

4:15 -- Quarterback Ken Dorsey leads Miami to two quick scores to put away Washington 34-21 as Hurricanes hold on to the No. 1 ranking.

4:26 -- Patriots suspend Terry Glenn. Again. Just for the fun of it.

4:45 -- Yankees defeat Rays 7-2. Rays protest on account of too many negative stories being written.

5:33 -- Barry Bonds hits 64th home run. Giants are so excited someone actually congratulates him by mistake.

5:48 -- ESPN announces Alabama will be placed on two-years' probation for buying players. "I guess we never should have asked for a receipt," school officials say.

5:53 -- Washington runs interception, fumble and bad punt snap back for touchdowns to take a 21-20 lead over Miami.

6:03 -- Jordan hints he may return to baseball, too. Bud Selig immediately renews talk of contraction.

6:20 -- Tennessee's Travis Stephens, sensational all day, ties the score with a 47-yard run with four minutes to play. Florida fans insist Stephens was running free because of a clip.

6:30 -- Chicago Bears, Cincinnati Bengals and Pittsburgh Steelers announce they will not sign Ryan Leaf.

6:34 -- Washington Redskins say they might.

6:47 -- Florida defeats Tennessee 24-17 when Steve Spurrier goes to the Notre Dame box and his team, playing without a quarterback, drives 74 yards in the final two minutes to win.

7- In the final team meeting before the game, Bucs offensive coordinator Clyde Christensen tells his players he wants them to run up the score and get two touchdowns against the Eagles.

7:09- Spurrier denies he has been contacted by a professional football team about coaching next year.

7:10 -- Twenty-two NFL general managers check out eBay for Spurrier's contract, just in case.

7:25 -- Chris Rix, fired up by a love letter from Britney Spears, leads the Seminoles onto the field against Georgia Tech as thousands cheer. "If we can get by this game," one fan says, "we still could be No. 1."

8:02 -- Marquel Blackwell throws for 157 yards in the first quarter as South Florida takes a 26-0 lead on Southern Utah.

8:15 -- In an exclusive interview with ESPN, Jordan announces he is coming back ... to play quarterback for Mornhinweg.

8:34 -- Georgia Tech takes a 17-3 lead on FSU, endangering the Seminoles' long home winning streak.

8:35 -- Official response from Bobby Bowden: Dadgummit.

8:45 -- Nick Maddox runs 70 yards for a touchdown to cut FSU's deficit to three points.

8:50 -- Ricky Rudd beats Jeff Gordon at the finish line. Traditionalists cheer.

9:55 -- Lightning wins preseason opener 2-1 with Art Williams in the stands. "They look like studs to me," Williams says.

10 -- After a 5-1 loss to Columbus, the Mutiny says it expects Mamadou Diallo back next season. "Why should he get off easy?" a team spokesman says.

10:15 -- South Florida holds on for 33-13 victory over Southern Utah.

10:20 -- Pedro Martinez no-hits the Orioles. Danny Almonte calls to congratulate him.

10:38 -- Adrian McPherson, playing when Rix twists an ankle, runs 17 yards for the winning touchdown, 21-17 over Georgia Tech. Afterward, the ACC votes to "just give up."

11 -- Fresno State wins!

11:30 -- Football fans conclude discussions of great plays and bad calls. Someone talks about how a player was a hero for scoring a touchdown. Someone else says the day was a tragedy because his team lost.

Midnight -- Thankfully, in this other world, where illusion is still safe, no one realizes just how far from the truth they are.

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