Caregivers: Remember to give yourselves time

By ETHEL M. SHARP

© St. Petersburg Times,
published September 25, 2001

Wow! The summer seemed to go so fast -- vacations are over, kids are back to school, and another season is beginning. Hope you were able to get away for a while.

I was fortunate to have two real getaways. On my quest to visit the lighthouses of Florida, I visited Jupiter and then continued to Key West. Another time I was able to visit St. Augustine Lighthouse and then Ponce Lighthouse. I realized how important it is to take time for a getaway. It had been too long.

As a caregiver, have you been able to get revitalized so you can keep giving? How long has it been since your last true getaway? Odds are if you're a family caregiver, you didn't get a break. Did you think you could not take the time away?

I had a friend say to me, "While I was taking care of my mother, who had Alzheimer's, and my sister, sick with cancer, a counselor told me, "Take care of yourself first.' I thought that was so selfish."

This advice is usually an eye-opener for caregivers, and many have strong feelings about it.

Over the years, the single most important thing I've said in consultation with family caregivers is that it's essential to take care of yourself first, or you'll burn out; there won't be anything left for your loved one. What would happen if you became ill, were overwhelmed with burden or became depressed and couldn't take care of yourself or help anyone else? Over involvement can put a caregiver on the defense. When a caregiver is under stress, the thought of letting go, taking a break or getting away can seem selfish.

Let's face it: Caring for a parent, spouse or another family member can be stressful. The stress of perhaps working full time, taking care of children, taking care of a parent in your home or attempting to take care of two households -- yours and your parents' -- plus trying to maintain a good relationship with your spouse can be overwhelming. Parent care or taking care of a spouse may mean daily personal care, bathing and toileting, as well as shopping, doctors' appointments, cleaning and cooking. The list goes on.

We can feel locked in, frustrated, worn out, resentful and run ragged because we have become so immersed in our loved one's life. The interplay of our emotions dictates to us, and we rationalize that there is no way we can take time off. But our health can be damaged when we feel swept along by the tide of responsibility and don't stop and gain control of some time for ourselves.

As caregivers, let's take a break and ask ourselves, "How can I put balance in my life with more care for me and still be able to give care to my parent or spouse?" You as the caregiver are the only one who can begin to develop an "enlightened freedom," change the direction of the tide and reclaim some of the hours of your day. Quality care begins with you; then you'll be able to extend it to your loved one.

Developing our enlightened freedom begins with realizing there are 24 hours in a day and then reclaiming some of those hours without feeling guilty. Ask yourself, "Which hours will belong to me?" Decide what you like to do and want to do, and immediately let go of some of the business that you perceive to be necessary.

This takes a commitment, a commitment to daily "self-respite." As I've explained it to many caregivers, respite is an interval of temporary relief, or rest from work or duty. It stems from the Latin word respectus, or respect. Respect must start with ourselves. We must show ourselves honor, concern and consideration first. How we care for ourselves has direct bearing on the care we give to others.

I suggest a serious, attainable, ongoing personal commitment, set down on paper, viewed and applied daily. This commitment must be flexible and progressive and must consist of the aspects of your life that give you the most enjoyment. It will be difficult at first, but make yourself refocus, then begin to list the things that make you feel happy and peaceful, things you like to do or want to do. Keep developing your list, then expand upon it.

Here's the hard part: Schedule it into your day and "just do it!" You'll begin to feel revitalized, your outlook will change, and you'll feel more positive and have more energy.

One caregiver I've known for three years said that she has been successfully working on this refocusing, and it has had positive effects on her, her frail father and her children. When she started this self-respite it was difficult to discipline herself, but each day she first planned what time her self-respite would be and worked to prepare for it.

"It usually is about an hour and a half in the afternoon before the kids get home from school," she said. "My father is very relaxed then and is usually sleeping or watching television. I go to the beach, and at first I just sat and stared at the sky, birds, water. But now, I walk for a half-hour and rest or read for a half-hour. It clears my head, it's a peaceful time for me; I completely turn my attention to the beauty around me. I've been able to cope better, have more patience and a better attitude."

It takes discipline to make yourself get some of your life back, but it can be done. If you feel you are wasting your time because you haven't been constantly busy, perhaps it's time to gain control of your life. The difficult part of self-respite is to teach ourselves how to stop, turn off our one-track focus and learn how to find some special time to care for ourselves.

We long for balance in our lives. Remember the old saying that goes, "Life is not lived in years, but a day at a time." In planning for your daily getaway, dwell on its importance. Think about a change in your environment; click into something that gives you a feeling of enthusiastic pleasure. It must be something to divert your mind from emotional involvement and pressure. If you plan well, it will be very rewarding.

There are many ways to honor yourself:

Environment. Create a welcoming space for yourself where you go to work on a hobby or crafts, paint, draw, finish a piece of furniture or a stamp collection, whatever gives you a sense of accomplishment and peaceful concentration.

Enjoy the beauty. Give importance to getting out of the house if that is possible, perhaps working in the garden or strolling around the house. The best exercise is walking; devote just a half-hour daily to walking, and you'll experience wonders. If you're starting out, walk 10 minutes and increase the time each week.

Spirituality. Reading the Bible, meditating, reading a spiritual book and listening to spiritual music are some ways to renew yourself.

Physical needs: Healthy eating means sitting in a relaxed position, taking your time, eating slowly. Give the meal the attention it deserves. Keep it simple, but nutritious and balanced. With a balanced focus, a more restful night will be possible -- talk to your doctor if you are deprived of sleep.

Quiet peaceful time to reconnect with yourself, where you become lost in it for a short time each day, will help you know your limits. This may mean that you could use some help. There are daycare centers, assisted-living facilities for temporary relief and homemakers available as alternatives if you feel overwhelmed. If your caregiving is beyond your limits, consider accepting a change. Ask yourself, what is in the best interest of my loved one? What are my options? Reaching out for services does not mean failure.

If we honor and take care of ourselves first, we will recognize the good moments more.

Remember, caregivers make the present moment count!

- Ethel M. Sharp is executive director of Aging Matters Inc., a non-profit network for family caregivers and elder care. You can write to her c/o Seniority, the St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731. When seeking more information, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope and include your telephone number, with area code.

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