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Don't be beastly
By JANET K. KEELER © St. Petersburg Times, published September 27, 2000
Yet more and more, those places and other equally casual locales are where America's children eat. Is it any wonder that we are becoming a nation of people who don't know the proper direction to pass the peas? (Counterclockwise.) The demise of the family dinner has led to the fall of table manners, say Miss Manners and other purveyors of etiquette. The subject of manners comes to the table every year at this time, when holidays portend gatherings with family and friends. Those gatherings almost always include meals, which almost always mean tensions of one sort or another. Can your sixth-grader refrain from shrieking, "Gross me out!" when the cranberry sauce passes his way? Will Dad touch every roll before proclaiming one worthy? How can we stop Mom from making a big scene over the inevitable water spill? And who cares? People who want to have an enjoyable experience around the dinner table, that's who. "All etiquette is is being kind and courteous and considerate," says Sidney Bayne of Smarter Image, a Clearwater company that helps civilize the manners-impaired. "It's really about making other people feel comfortable."
"The biggest thing parents can do is set a good example, and that's the hardest thing they can do because we're all eating food on the go," says Anne Anderson, director of the Southern Pinellas Chapters of the National League of Junior Cotillions. "Kids watch you, they observe you, they imitate what you do at the dinner table." Anderson encourages families to eat together, at the dining room table with the TV off, at least two or three times a week. "The meal doesn't have to be elaborate, just as long as you are using a fork and knife," she says. That time together provides the opportunity to talk about how to hold utensils properly, how to act when someone spills something or even the best way to respond when the dreaded broccoli comes your way. (Take a small portion and try it. No whining, please.) Children should be taught small doses of manners from the time they are able to sit at the table, but a parent can expect more from a fourth-grader than from a preschool child steadfast in his belief that the world revolves around him. Anderson, the mother of three sons ages 11, 14 and 16, has taught hundreds of Pinellas County children how to be better dining companions through her cotillion classes. A seven-course meal at the end of the program helps the sixth-, seventh- and eighth-graders hone their skills. For most of her students, she says, much of the etiquette information is new. They are eager to learn, especially as they step into the arena of socializing with the opposite sex. "The biggest thing I tell the kids is that if you are at a dinner function and you've forgotten everything, just watch the hostess or the oldest lady at the table," she says.
Kids who haven't gone to cotillion -- sometimes called charm or finishing school -- and who never mastered manners at home often end up in the hands of Sidney Bayne later on in life. For 20 years, Bayne has been teaching adults to act like grown-ups. She does individual counseling and is hired by businesses to train employees. At the business level, knowing how to act at the table means more than a pleasant experience. It can be the difference between getting a job and continuing the hunt. "A lot of interviews and business deals are made at mealtime. Many times people don't get past that opportunity because of inappropriate manners," Bayne says. Don't think that etiquette stops at the formal dining table. There are rules for eating at barbecues, potlucks, buffets and even fast food joints, Bayne says. You probably thought wolfing down a fast food burger was the embodiment of anti-establishment dining where anything goes. Bayne would disagree, and she has the rules to back her up. "You need to be ready to order when it's your turn, and you need to clean up your mess afterward. Don't slurp through your straw." It is not just guests who have guidelines to follow. The burden of a good time also falls on the shoulders of the host. When preparing a menu, consideration should be given to the guests' ages and their food preferences when possible. For instance, it would be foolish to expect a table of children (or maybe anyone else) to be thrilled with a platter of liver and onions. Chicken or ham would be more appropriate. The host's job is to make sure the guests are comfortable and the food is properly prepared. The guest's job is to say please and thank you and to know which glass and salad plate is his. (Drinking glasses on the right, salad, bread plates on the left.) If in two months' time your family still has piggy tendencies, consider memorizing the poem The Goops, written by Gelett Burgess in 1900, when even then there were people with lousy manners. The sheer comic relief may be enough to knock some common sense into them. At the very least, "goop" can become your code word for "shape up." * * * The Goops they lick their fingers And the Goops they lick their knives; They spill their broth on the tablecloth - Oh, they lead disgusting lives. The Goops they talk while eating, And loud and fast they chew; And that is why I'm glad that I Am not a goop -- Are you?
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From the Times Taste section From the features wire |
The bad news is that adults are often as badly behaved as the kids they complain about. The good news is that Thanksgiving and the December holidays are a couple of months away, and that's time enough to begin teaching your brood courteousness. At the same time, take stock of your own graciousness.
