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By HOWARD TROXLER
© St. Petersburg Times, published September 27, 2000
Oh, Mr. McCollum!
Mr. McCollum!
How nice of you to come!
Would you care to speak of Clinton,
Or your strong defense of guns?
Not right now, my dear voter,
Not with campaigning to be done.
Bill Clinton? A fine American!
As for weapons -- they're no fun!
But Mr. McCollum, you
impeached him!
I saw it on TV!
You pursed your lips and talked of sex
Most dis-ap-prov-ing-ly!
Shush! Shush! My good voter,
It is not time to look again
At re-fighting tired old battles,
(Which the polls say we won't win.)
Oh, Mr. McCollum, what of guns?
Why speak so mod'rate-ly?
You voted for assault weapons,
But for waiting periods, nosiree!
My dear voter, my dear voter!
A mother's love I feel
For the safety of our children
Not for bullets or blue steel.
Oh, Mr. McCollum! Mr. McCollum!
Are you in full-scale panic?
New immigration laws a few years ago
Were your weapons against Hispanics!
Nothing further from the truth,
my child!
I'm as welcoming as can be!
In my spare time I recite
Emma Laz-a-rus
And support di-vers-i-tee!
Oh, really? You voted to deport
All of those unsavory sorts
Who the smallest law might break,
But not now with your job at stake?
Tut, tut, dear voter! You shouldn't be
So cynical about my morality.
My first vote was a mistake,
for I thought that
Law-breakers were only Demo-o-crat!
(Imagine my remorse when I heard,
guess what?
(I also hurt a Republican big shot!)
But Mr. McCollum, what about
the NEA?
What about South Af-ri-cay?
What about opposing
Martin Luther King Jr. Day?
And voting down the ERA?
And not wanting the
Japanese internees to get repaid?
For that matter, not to wreck my entire rhyme scheme here, but -- how come you suddenly campaign with gays?
Hush, hush, my sweet! Pay no mind
To my suburban past, that's all behind,
I am as tolerant as can be,
Look! I'm hugging a tree --
come and see!
Hugging a tree? Fiddledeedee!
How can you a tree-hugger be?
No, look, I am so green!
The greenest Republican
you've ever seen!
In my spare time I feed the deer
And sleep on the beach,
next to sea-turtle nests
To keep away human and other pests.
Oh, Mr. McCollum, please help me,
For I am confused as I can be.
Did you not the Contras back?
And take money from big PACs?
Do you not believe the rich
Should pay less tax?
And speaking of which,
Aren't you really Dick Ar-mey?
Or Tom Dee-lay?
That's how you've talked!
Until now, I mean,
now that you've sought
Statewide office, and to your surprise
Learned that some voters are women,
moderates, or even (gasp)
A different color, race or size.
At least, watching you,
this is my surmise.