Xpress: Could you spend time with just me?

I finished my last thought by asking if you would please help me fix this for us. I can't do this on my own, but I am not even sure you feel there is anything broken between the two of us. I'm not sure you want to admit that we have a problem or that we need to do any fixing. We have tried counseling, but when the counselor says things you don't want to hear it seems to me you decide that the suggestions are unrealistic. You seem to commit to try to improve. Then I interfere with what you want and the things you want to do, and everything comes to a screeching halt.

I have tried before to tell you how I feel when we are together, and I will keep trying again. I get excited and look forward to you being with just me, and then you take phone calls while we are together. I get angry again and again. When I call you at work you tell me you are busy and you have to go and that you will call me back. Oh, by the way, you usually forget, and if we do reconnect, it's because I call you back. Then we talk about your work and only in passing do you ever ask me what's up with me.

Unfortunately, I have gotten used to this. If we go out, you seem to be more interested in your surroundings and making eye contact with everyone but me. If we stay home, I have to compete with everyone else who passes through while we are talking. If you do show up at one of my activities, you are always networking for yourself, certainly not for me.

The worst times for me are when we have to go to your office and I have to help you finish one of your projects. You tell me that you will pay me if I help, and I want to scream out, "Let the pay be in your time! I don't want your money." I guess that's good anyway because usually you forget to pay me. This is really quality time for you? I'm sitting with you and nodding along, but inside I know I'm lying about having fun. I tell myself that if I don't go and help, though, that I will have zero time with you. When we are together, it is always about you. We go where you want to go and do what you want to do.

Then there are those "special" times when you tell me to invite a friend to go with us. I have figured out what that is about. One of two things is about to happen. You either have to entertain your own guest, so if I have a friend that lets you off the hook and it also makes you look like a great parent because you let your kid come AND bring a friend. Or, you are too tired to deal with me but you are keeping your commitment even though this time will not be about us. You justify this as: You're only thinking of me, so I shouldn't complain. I don't want your friends or mine around when I have time with you. I know this sounds strange but I just want to be with you. Am I important enough to you that you will give me a little of your precious time, saving some energy and enthusiasm for me?

Don't you get it? I want to be with you! Other teenagers want to be with their peers more and their parents less. Why is this different for me? Their parents are there for them whether they are married or divorced. I am tired of hearing your excuses. If you love me, then make time for me and prove to me that you want to be with me. Otherwise, I am getting to the point when I am going to close this chapter in my life with you and it will be your turn to hunt me down.

Bitter? Yeah. Wouldn't you be? I'm tired of competing!

IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Tucker, who has been in counseling practice since 1979, writes this column under the guidance of a panel of teenage advisers, who approve the topics and offer their insights (in exchange for pizza). You may write her c/o: IT!, X-Press, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com.

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