Oh, the insanity of their vanity

Some actors should never sing. So why have so many recorded albums that make us snicker, giggle or just wonder what were they thinking?

By GINA VIVINETTO

© St. Petersburg Times, published October 16, 2000

[Photo: Hollywood Picture] Is Gwyneth Paltrow Cruisin’ toward a new career?

Who's that fresh new female voice on the radio crooning CRUISIN', the sultry hit made famous by Smokey Robinson? Why, it's Hollywood actor Gwyneth Paltrow.

Huh?

Paltrow, see, stars in the recently released DUETS, a flick about karaoke singers. The movie's soundtrack features three cuts by Paltrow that have made their way to radio. (She does a pretty good BETTE DAVIS EYES!)

The movie also stars Huey Lewis, who, you recall, was once a big rock star. Happily, like Paltrow, Lewis is able to effectively jump genres. In other words, he's not the worst actor in the world. Sometimes stars can pull this off. Even Sebastian Bach, former lead singer of Skid Row, is getting mediocre reviews right now as the star of JEKYLL & HYDE on Broadway.

But more often than not, we find our favorite acting stars should stick to their day jobs. This is most apparent when, through arrogance or boredom or sheer idiocy, Hollywood folks put out vanity albums. Recall Bruce Willis' abysmal THE RETURN OF BRUNO? Some would cite John Tesh for all his frilly world-beat piano music.

And poor Keanu Reeves, who is no Laurence Olivier on the screen, proves to be an even worse musician with his alt-rock band Dogstar. (Let's just say Reeves' bass playing is worse than that of Sex Pistol Sid Vicious. Heck, Reeves makes Vicious look like Charlie Mingus.)

There are other crummy albums out there by quirky actor Crispin Glover (who records under the name Crispin Hellion Glover), Fernando Lamas, John Travolta, television's Roseanne, MUNSTER mom Yvonne DeCarlo, Don Johnson and the BEVERLY HILLBILLIES' Buddy Ebsen (No, Uncle Jed, no!).

FAMILY TIES fans, rejoice! Little Tina Yothers, who made such an impact as snotty little sister Jennifer, is releasing her rock band Jaded's debut album any day now.

Perhaps the most famous celebrity vanity record is William Shatner's THE TRANSFORMED MAN (1970). If you think Shatner was pompous on STAR TREK, you gotta hear this. Capt. Kirk recorded a "concept album" of his over-the-top dramatic readings set to bombastic music. He reads from CYRANO over Bob Dylan's MR. TAMBOURINE MAN. But it's his version of LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS that makes listeners cringe.

You can learn all about these records and more by perusing HOLLYWOOD HI-FI: OVER 100 OF THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS CELEBRITY RECORDS EVER, by George Gimarc and Pat Reeder. (The book, published by St. Martin's, is out of print.)

Here are a few doozies recorded by some of Tinseltown's most, um, ambitious singing sensations:

LEONARD NIMOY: Not to be outdone by Shatner, Dr. Spock also made a series of horrendous albums, including THE WAY I FEEL (1968), which features the world's grooviest Vulcan singing folk songs such as IF I HAD HAMMER. Dig the cover photo of Nimoy in turtleneck and necklace.

[Albums courtesy of Bananas Music Warehouse] DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOBS: From top, Tony Perkins, Yvonne DeCarlo, Mae West and Sylvester Stallone.

SYLVESTER STALLONE: This man is a walking vanity project, so it comes as no surprise he recorded PARADISE ALLEY, the soundtrack to the movie he wrote and also starred in. Stallone "sings" the theme song. Well, it's either Stallone or a moose.

TELLY SAVALAS: Savalas, TV's KOJAK, beats Sinead O'Connor for First Bald-Headed Singing Sensation. His album TELLY was his first, and its honesty is admirable: "Singing is not my bag," Savalas declares on the cover. That doesn't stop him from giving bizarre, pancake-flat renditions of YOU'VE LOST THAT LOVING FEELING and the Beatles' SOMETHING.

TONY PERKINS: PSYCHO's Perkins released three solo albums, including the light, jazzy FROM MY HEART (1958), featuring his distinctive crooning. He sounds like a less capable Mel Torme, heavily sedated.

JIM NABORS: Television star Nabors actually has a lovely singing voice; he recorded more than 30 easy listening albums, but SHAZAM! GOMER PYLE U.S.M.C. is Nabors in dimwitted Pyle persona. That means fans get twangy country tunes and "fun" Roger Miller-penned songs such as YOU CAN'T ROLLER-SKATE IN A BUFFALO HERD.

MAE WEST: In 1972, Hollywood legend Mae West, known for her morals-corrupting screen presence in the 1930s, recorded a batch of saucy tunes such as GREAT BALLS OF FIRE and LIGHT MY FIRE. Risque? Sexy? Come on, she was 79 years old!

BURT REYNOLDS: Reynolds's singing appears on several records and soundtracks, and all of it is lousy. His is a flat, throaty whisper that is supposed to sound sensitive but instead comes off as if he has a cold.

SEBASTIAN CABOT: FAMILY AFFAIR's Mr. French rivals Shatner in sheer pretentiousness with SEBASTIAN CABOT, ACTOR . . . BOB DYLAN, POET (1967), in which Cabot acts out the lyrics of Dylan in an over-the-top fashion that makes him sound like the Jon Lovitz Master Thespian character on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. Imagine hearing Cabot doing hokey accents for each Dylan character -- a Brooklyn thug, an Irishman. More funny is hearing him priggishly using the word "ain't" on IT AIN'T ME BABE.

© St. Petersburg Times. All rights reserved.