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Why are girls so cruel to each other?
By CECILIA TUCKER
© St. Petersburg Times,
published October 22, 2001
Everyday I hear people being cruel to each other. I used to be amused at how girls picked on each other, but now I am appalled. I don't understand all the pettiness that goes on when girls are together. It seems they take great pleasure in putting each other in their places. I watch girls exclude one another in every situation imaginable. I watch the nastiness they dole out to one another. Is there some unwritten code that gives girls permission to beat up on each other? Girls wear all of their emotions on the outside and almost every issue seems to be full of a potential emotional outburst! Is that really the way it is, or is there a missing piece to the picture I now see?
Girls say things about each other that can't be erased by an "I'm sorry." I don't even see much remorse between girls after they tear each other apart. It always amazes me when I see the same girl who trashed someone the day before want to be that person's best friend the next day. Then the cruelty continues on to the next unknowing "victim." It seems there always has to be someone girls are picking on. I guess I don't understand the way the game is played. At times, girls seem to have a short memory when it is their turn to be the victim.
Guys seem to operate from a different perspective. When I watch guys interact, they seem to get over things so much faster. Guys can be mad one hour and in the next hour they are hanging out with each other again. They seem to have this incredible ability to "get over it" and get on with having fun again. When guys say mean things they don't seem to attack the person. Most of the time they seem to attack the issues and then they solve the problem with minimal damage control. I have heard it said that guys behave like this because they are so shallow and don't deal with their emotions! Is this really the reason, or do guys have a better handle on what is important and what is not? I see guys making up a lot quicker and almost never being two-faced. Guys don't seem to have a vested interest in holding onto the issue or making someone pay for mean comments. There seems to be fewer repercussions when guys put down other guys.
I struggle with the cruelty I often see among my peers and, unfortunately, I participate, too. Most everything seems to be about competition and jealousy. Most people I listen to put others down because they feel threatened in some way. Today more than ever before teenagers live in a world full of conflict. I used to think we had more conflict with our parents than with our friends, but anymore, I am not so sure. Teens still fight with their parents, but the most harmful conflicts seem to be the ones we have with each other. We seem to not be able to solve problems peacefully, and the violent ways in which we handle situations seem to be on the rise.
So why do teenage girls need to be so cruel to each other? Maybe it is because if they can hurt someone else, this shows they are in control. I think control comes by being sure I have integrity, and not using someone else's shortcomings to make me feel better. I think guys have lots of ways to feel good about themselves and therefore have less to be cruel about. I may be wrong but I think if girls stopped focusing on their bodies and competing over guys they'd be more united and be less cruel to each other.
What would happen if we all (girls and guys, too) learned more effective ways to handle our emotions? There is enough cruelty in the world without us inflicting it on each other. I think I am on to something but I still need help refining these thoughts.
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IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Tucker, who has been in counseling practice since 1979, writes this column under the guidance of a panel of teenage advisers, who approve the topics and offer their insights (in exchange for pizza). You may write her c/o: IT!, X-Press, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com.
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