Xpress: Halloween Horror Nights a screaming good time

ORLANDO -- Picture this: An escaped psychopathic clown wreaking havoc on a central Florida theme park in the dark of night. Oh, and one more thing, it's Friday the 13th.

Welcome to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights X -- "Not Afraid of the Dark? You Don't Know Jack!" Come with me as I take my very first (and I hope not last) trip into the gruesome nightmare world of Jack the evil clown and his bloody playthings.

As I nervously approached the gates of Universal Studios with my parents and my friend, Ashley, several things made me stop and take notice. It was obvious that this was not the jolly theme park I had visited many times on family vacations. The gates and buildings were cast in an eerie glow of deep purples and greens. The music from sitcoms and movies that usually emanated from the speakers was gone and replaced with strains from Psycho, Halloween and The Exorcist. People waiting to get in stood around in nervous groups, laughing a bit too loud, maybe to hide their fear about running into Jack.

Speaking of Jack, Linda Buckley, director of publicity and public relations, explained how Jack came to be as she escorted us down the main street. Universal really wanted people to be scared, so "We decided to poll people on what things frightened them the most," she said. "Over 90 percent agreed, it was clowns!

"You see," she continued quietly, leaning toward us in order not to be overheard as she shared Jack's urban legend, "it is true that Jack grew up in a family who pushed the whole clown thing on him a bit too much. Clown birthdays and clown noses, clown costumes and constant circus trips. One day, poor Jack snapped."

The rest is the stuff of visitors' nightmares! As Linda continued to escort us, she added one more caution. "Oh yeah, Nick, I forgot to tell you. Jack just loves journalists! He says they taste like chicken."

Gulp.

Linda also warned us to watch out for "scaractors," the morbid creatures that chase and scare you as you walk or wait in line. The park used to set up "safe zones" where the misshapen clowns and zombies with chainsaws couldn't get you, but this year, there are none. "Just remember, look behind you," Linda said, just as my mom looked nervously over her shoulder.

An evil-looking clown had begun following us as another disgusting-looking clown came right up to her face. Mom let out the most blood-curdling scream I had ever heard. We all laughed, but all I could think is that I talked her into coming here; I am in BIG trouble when I get home!

Throughout the night, these ghoulish creatures tormented us and continued to catch us off guard by leaping out of trash cans, from behind bushes and out of dark corners.

Linda left us at one of the five haunted houses, called Dark Torment. It was really a maze in total darkness featuring a foggy graveyard and nightmarish monsters. My heart beating wildly, we all clutched one another as we went through. We were all a sweaty mess when we finally made it out of there. It was really terrifying!

I don't want to give away all the scary details, except to say we were always on the lookout for Jack and the twisted rendition of Pop Goes the Weasel that was the signal he was near. Here is a synopsis of the rest of the frightful venues:

-- Monster Mania, an interactive journey into an old black and white horror flick.

-- Anxiety, a haunted house requiring 3-D glasses. We all laughed at each other to destress before this fright fest! It, too, was a maze in darkness, but it was full of glowing things that seemed to be floating. I did get pretty dizzy as we maneuvered our way through a spinning, glowing tunnel. We probably had the most fun here because we actually scared one of the monsters. He was covered in glowing eyeballs so he would blend into the room that was also covered in glowing eyeballs, but he moved and we saw him first, blowing the surprise! He shrugged his shoulders dejectedly, and we almost felt guilty for ruining his attack.

-- The Fearhouse, a trip into Dr. Rich Oddfellow's twisted lab. That's where he experiments on and tortures human beings. It was so full of mirrors you had to feel to find your way out, with just enough light to see a lot of things you'd rather not see, such as torture devices and bloody corpses.

-- Total Chaos, the last haunted house, probably the least scary one. It was not quite as dark as the others as you walked through an abandoned spaceship full of fog, mirrors and eerie lights. Aliens and other creatures tried to scare us at every chance. I felt pleased that one haunted house didn't terrify me as much as the others, but I was a little disappointed, too!

We were starving, so we stopped for burgers at Mel's Drive-In, where letters in the lighted sign were strategically missing so it read "Mel's Die-In."

Suddenly we heard the faraway strains of a familiar tune. It was Pop Goes the Weasel! We stood on our seats to get a better look, and we were not disappointed! The Festival of the Dead -- Bloody Playthings parade was led by Jack on stilts, weaving down the street and reaching for the crowd. He looked just as disgusting as his pictures: His face was a hideous mask of smeary green make-up, and his teeth were a rotted yellow. His eyes were the most evil of all, and were rimmed with red ... ugh!

Behind Jack were several floats piloted by demented dolls, clowns and wooden soldiers. All of them were throwing shiny strands of silver, gold and red beads. The crowd went nuts! My mom ran down one way as I ran the other. We both met back at the restaurant table with tons of beads we shared with my dad and Ashley, who were calmly eating their burgers, unaffected by the mayhem around them.

After the burgers, we headed to the Bill and Ted Show, the best thing we saw all night! It was a musical extravaganza that made fun of pop boy bands. The plot had the evil Mr. Burns (from The Simpsons) and his sidekick Smithers trying to steal the music of today's boy bands and replace it with tunes from the '70s and '80s. It was especially funny when they did a skit about the TV show Survivor and Richard Hatch himself was sitting just a few rows away from us!

A show we didn't care for at all was called Jack'ed Up, a sort of acrobatic act. It was disappointing because I thought we would see the "surreal journey through (Jack's) twisted imagination, taunting you to keep your sanity" touted by the brochure. My advice ... skip it!

Finally, we were on our way to Haunted Attractions, where some of the regular rides at Universal were transformed with a Halloween theme, including Jaws -- Bloody Waters, where Jack was up to his old bloody tricks.

We all enjoyed the experience, even my mom, who was worried it might be too scary. Part of it was pretty frightening, but the longer we were there, the more comfortable we were with knowing what to expect. It is definitely not for small children; we saw a few, and they looked very scared.

As we got ready to leave, we were followed by a ghoulish fellow who obviously enjoyed Ashley's screams. (We figured out that the more you scream, the more ghouls come near you.)

Ashley found one zombie following her, one on either side and another in front of her: She was surrounded. I laughed at her, of course, not counting on one of the guys spinning around to face me, chainsaw in hand. Vvrrrrrrrrroommm!

I took off, never having been so scared in my life ... at least not until next year's visit!

* * *

- Nick Linguanti, 13, is in the eighth grade at Southside Fundamental Middle School in St. Petersburg.

Fright at a glance

Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios, Orlando, continue through Oct. 31. Crowds increase closer to Halloween, so get your tickets and hotel accommodations before you go. Gates may be closed as nights sell out. For information, check out http://www.halloweenhorrornights.com or call 407-363-8000. Travel packages are available by calling (800) 644-4679. Horror Nights admission is $34.95 plus tax in advance, $39.95 plus tax on day of event.

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