Those who listen well make better caregivers

By ETHEL M. SHARP

© St. Petersburg Times, published October 31, 2000

One of my favorite ways to unwind is to go to a deserted part of the beach early in the morning and just listen. I love to listen to the deep silence as it washes over me -- broken only by an occasional sound of a bird or a gentle lapping of water. I keep discovering over and over again what it takes to let go, be silent and just listen.

It's said that of the 80 percent of our waking hours we spend in communication with others, almost half of that time is spent listening. That's surprising considering most of us, I'm sure, have said at one time or another that no one really listens to us.

Why is it many feel the need to fill every moment with distraction -- talking simply to be talking, working, television, radio, reading? Every gap must be filled to prevent us from dwelling in silence or really listening to another.

So much of our conversation today is not to gain knowledge, wisdom or understanding but rather to "selectively listen" to things that will mesh with the way we think. We then follow our agenda or think of what we want to say next. So many people seem to be on the defensive or have a ready answer for everything without really listening.

Fortunately, listening is something we can learn to do better, and there are bonuses attached: We can feel less burdened and stress filled, plus we have better relationships with those we care about. If we can improve the way we listen and then relate to the person we care for by learning to respond more and react less, it makes for more meaning in our day and their life.

We may think we know Mom or Dad, our adult son or daughter or our spouse -- after all, we've had close associations with them or lived with them for many years. But the things they say now make us feel concerned. My own mother, always a positive and upbeat person, has made comments that seemed self-defeating, comments that have made me feel uncomfortable. Many times an older person's comments are confusing and difficult to understand, especially if they are made in the midst of declining health or feeling pressured into a life change.

Negative comments lead us to ask ourselves, "Have I ever stopped and tried to listen to what is being said and why? Have I ever allowed the person to fully express himself or herself? Have I ever tried to get underneath and understand why people say some of the things they do?"

An adult son in Tampa told me: "My father is always complaining about something. He's very cranky, and if he's not talking about his aches and pains, he's being critical and demanding. But his latest comment really affected me. He said, "I'm no good for anything anymore.' This makes me upset when he talks like that -- I keep telling him he's more well off than many."

Understanding our aging parents, spouse or any older person is an enormous, challenging task. To be aware of what it means to age helps us to cope with our loved one and the situations we experience each day. Older people often don't recognize what they're feeling and express themselves in roundabout ways.

True understanding is listening between the lines, lines that may be camouflaged with complaints, anger, resentments or just plain "down-in-the-dumps" talk. Some older people may not express any emotion. They may say everything is fine and remain very quiet.

Some of the complaints that adult children have about their older parents -- sadness, stubbornness, complaining, critical and demanding behavior -- are a reaction to loss. It's difficult for us to realize that our parent or spouse is grieving the loss of his or her driver's license, independence, mobility, eyesight, family members, friends ... the list goes on. Their perceived uselessness is very real to them.

Active listening is the key, and actively listening takes energy and patience. For caregivers, this means focusing on the opportunities in our relationship and less on the problems. It means patient curiosity that wants to know what it feels like to be the older person. It requires time, because the older person needs more time to connect with his or her own true feelings and listen to them. And we need more time to fully understand our own emotions.

When we as caregivers "react" to what is said, we don't relate to the person for whom we're caring. We allow our emotions to kick in, so our words and tone are often defensive. Active listening enables us to get a feel for who the older person is. It also can help us break the habit of reacting predictably, which compounds the communication problem and only makes matters worse.

With patience and active listening, we can get beneath the surface and start responding appropriately to our loved one's real feelings. Responding appropriately involves establishing your willingness to listen by slowing down and giving undivided attention. It means establishing personal contact with the eyes and sitting close enough for good visual attention so that the other person can see you're interested as you lean forward. It means letting the person know you have heard what has been said by a nod in affirmation and touching the person's hand to signify your interest and love.

A technique that can be learned is "active listening and repeat response." This important duo takes energy and patience -- and it's so simple, you may think it won't work. But patience pays off. Active listening and repeat response breaks the cycle of "reacting" and sets the scene for full expression of feelings by your loved one and better communication for both of you.

If you apply this technique of listening attentively and giving the repeat response, your loved one may be able to work through his loss -- and the problem behavior may simply fade away. Here are some examples of this technique taken from my training seminars on caregiving communication. I know we have all heard these from our loved ones:

Comment: "The days are so long with nothing to do."

Our usual reaction: "I told you before there are many things you could be doing -- but you don't want to try anything."

Without reacting, but using active listening/repeat response, speak slowly and distinctly, repeating in your own words that which has been expressed: "It sounds to me as if you're feeling kind of down because you're not doing the things that interest you."

I realize this kind of response may be difficult at first, but your loved one will begin to reflect on his own feelings. Perhaps we've heard this:

Comment: "I have to go to the hospital -- I'll probably die in there."

Reaction: "No, you won't. Don't say that. Stop worrying. You're going to be fine."

Active listening/repeat response: "It sounds to me as if you feel afraid. Are you?"

Sometimes we hear this comment: "No one cares about me -- I'm all alone."

Reaction: "No, you're not -- I care about you and your family does."

Active listening/repeat response: "It sounds to me as if you're feeling alone and isolated from people."

We don't have to think we have the answer for everything. With active listening/repeat response, we reflect back the person's own feelings. It causes them to hear what they are saying -- reflect upon it and hear their own fears. It acts as a mirror for them. For the first time, your loved ones may feel that someone is truly listening, really interested, available and there for them.

When an older person is able to understand his or her emotions and get a handle on them, everybody benefits. To be alone with feelings that you don't understand and can't handle and that nobody will acknowledge is one of the worst trials of the older person.

As caregivers, let's begin the process by allowing ourselves to slow down and listen to the silence around us -- then we'll be able to listen from the heart.

- Ethel M. Sharp is executive director of Aging Matters Inc., a non-profit network for family caregivers and elder care. You can write to her c/o Seniority, the St. Petersburg Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731. When seeking more information, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope and include your telephone number, with area code.

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