Bloopers add levity to otherwise decorous politics

By JEFF WEBB

© St. Petersburg Times, published November 5, 2000

As election years go, 2000 has been a doozie.

It's always encouraging to see qualified, thoughtful people offer themselves for public service. And this crop of candidates, for the most part, has been pleasingly above average.

But even those who are less qualified deserve a measure of credit for subjecting themselves to public scrutiny, as invasive and unflattering as it can be.

Also, with only a couple of exceptions, the candidates this year have taken themselves very seriously.

That may be because the level of competition was higher, requiring them to put on their game faces and stay focused. It also could be because it's a presidential election year, and the emotions of partisanship have been overemphasized.

So, with the hope of rescuing the levity that helps us keep all this do-or-die politics in perspective, I offer the latest installment of what has been an election-year ritual in this column for eight years: Candidate Bloopers.

Bloopers are excerpts from the interviews I conduct with all the candidates seeking office in Hernando and Citrus counties. Because the truth is always stranger than fiction, and because it would be more difficult to make them up, rest assured these excerpts are authentic.

They have been preserved on audio tapes, written in notes and witnessed by other Times employees who joined the interviews.

There is no clear definition of a blooper, but it must be unusual. Sometimes it manifests itself when a candidate unintentionally misuses a word or butchers a common phrase or metaphor. Other times it just means the candidate said something outrageous or funny.

For example, here are a couple of five-star bloopers from past years:

From 1992, a candidate who probably never read about the mythical Pandora's box: "They've opened up a panda box, and now they're trying to catch the panda."

From 1994, a candidate who wanted to improve social services: "There are too many single-family parents."

From 1996, a candidate who was not quite sure of his facts: "Quote me if I'm wrong, but . . ."

From 1998, a candidate who was, shall we say, put upon: "I want input. I need input. You put your input together with the scientific facts, and you put it back to the people."

For those who might conclude printing these bloopers borders on ridicule, relax. That is not the intent. If I wanted to embarrass the candidates, I would assign their names to the bloopers. Instead, the names are always withheld to protect the guilty.

The interviews from which these tidbits were gleaned took place between July 31 and Oct. 25. So some of the candidates who uttered them lost in the primary elections. Still, chances are you will cast a vote for at least one or two of the misspeaking candidates when you go to the polls Tuesday.

Enjoy Bloopers 2000, and never underestimate the healing powers of laughter. (Words in italics are my added emphasis.)

A state House candidate: "Nobody in Tallahassee says no. If you don't get a resounding yes, the answer is no."

A candidate for sheriff: "I would be more stricter on speeders."

Another candidate for sheriff: "We're not talking Kreskin here, pulling stats out of his hats with his magic pen."

A supervisor of elections candidate: "That would be the most stupidest thing."

A tax collector candidate: "This is a dull race. I should have run for County Commission."

Another tax collector candidate: "I don't mean to open up the door to people who want to complain about Mother Teresa . . ."

A School Board candidate: "It's easier (to be a candidate) if you don't know anything."

The same School Board candidate: "I know I'm looking like a total hedgehog on this one because I'm hedging on my answer."

A County Commission candidate: "Billboards are a visual blythe to society."

A County Commission candidate: "We need to have more comprimisation on the commission."

A candidate for sheriff: "Let me use a phrase George W. Bush stole from me: Accountability, responsibility, return to local control."

A County Commission candidate: "He has no conception whatsoever."

A County Commission candidate: "Condominimums."

A County Commission candidate: "My opponent has a great speech, and he's getting better and better at reading it."

A candidate for Congress: "I have no quorums about that."

A candidate for state Senate: "I pulled it out of the embers and made it alive again."

A candidate for sheriff: "He's shaking like a dog trying to lose a peach pit."

A candidate for School Board: "I have an open mind and no axes to mend."

A different candidate for School Board: "Getting information (about the school district budget) is like playing Twister. When you're done, you're all twisted, confused and uncomfortable."

A tax collector candidate: "All my experience has been on-hands training."

A County Commission candidate: "I'm saying "Do more smarter, intelligencer things.' "

The same County Commission candidate: "The ignorance of politics . . . I'm not going to get into it."

A County Commission candidate: "If that (the commission) don't look like the biggest bunch of fools, I'll kiss your butt."

A superintendent of schools candidate: "I will demand that every administrator submit their resignation voluntarily."

A County Commission candidate: "When a majority of the citizens says yea or na to a project . . . ."

A fire commission candidate: "You're making me nervous writing over there."

A tax collector candidate: "I've never seeked office before, here or in New York."

A County Commission candidate: "I do not think the governor has no business getting into stuff the private business should be doing."

A fire commission candidate: "This is my brain. Nobody else's."

A County Commission candidate: "(My opponent) shoots off from the side of his hip."

A City Council candidate: "The minutity is minute."

And finally, blooper of the year, offered by a County Commission candidate: "The (Economic Development Council) needs a basic, simple floormat. If you have a basic, simple floormat, you don't need the EDC."

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