I often find myself sitting around daydreaming about the way I wish things could be. I used to believe in magic. I used to think it was my wishing and daydreaming that gave me what I wanted in life. So, if I wanted something badly enough and I got it, it was because of my persistence in wishing that magically provided that for me. Conversely, if I did not get it, I knew I had not wished enough for the magic to happen. My part in what happened in my life back then was my persistence and nothing else.

I am not sure when that stopped being my reality, but I know there has been no magic happening in my life for a long time. Deep down I have known forever that magic isn't real, but I guess now this fact is beginning to infringe on how I would like my world to be.

Magic was easier than the reality of one theory, that things happen for a reason. Magic seemed to have some sort of special power within it that brought out the WOW in me. Magic happened often in spite of the odds against something even being possible. I remember going to magic shows and wishing I possessed those special powers.

Then as I got older, I realized they weren't powers, but they were learned "tricks." I was awed that some magicians were slicker than others. Magic seemed to defy all nature, but it was still cool to watch and dream about having this power for real. I liked to try my hand at magic but found it really wasn't my gift and I needed to be an observer of these performances, not a participant. But still there was a part of me that wanted to believe that somewhere, somehow magic would happen in my world and I'd be exactly the way I dreamed I could be.

I look back in my life and see my past. Even though I am not very old, I have already started accumulating mistakes that have altered my life. I haven't always made the best grades. I have selected friends who have hurt me. I have done some things I deeply regret because I know the hurt they caused other people. I knew I'd be a star athlete and then I quit the team because I was usually on the bench. I have feelings about my family that I am not proud of, like wishing I had a different one. My past seems to be getting more and more cluttered with regrets, and I am getting less able to just shake off those memories without feeling dragged down by them. I don't think I am depressed. I think I am having to face the fact that magic will not whisk away my past.

I sit here today in my present and see the work I am going to have to do to keep from having more of these regrettable memories haunt me in my next reflective moments. I wish for the magic again. I don't want to be the person in charge of my successes or failures because then I will have to be proactive. I want "the magic" to make all the good things come my way.

I want my mistakes to be eliminated even when I make them. I want my grades to be good enough for me to go to the college of my choice without having to study. I want to be the best in the sport of my choosing without having to practice. I want my friends and dating life to have few disappointments even if I let others down. I want my family to be my dream family even if I am not the perfect family member. My present is turning out to be like my past because there is a big part of me that still wants that magic wand to pass over me and leave me as my dream sees me.

Then I start looking into my crystal ball and I try to predict my future. I get worried that I will be like everyone else in life, and this is definitely not what I desire. This is my worst nightmare. I see more of the same that I grew up with and that I feel now would be devastating. I want to be the way I dreamed I'd be when I was younger. I want people to respect me. I want to make it in life. I want the magic to make it happen. Persistence in the wishing isn't working any more. I guess that means I need persistence now in the working to make it happen. Where is that magic when I need it?

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IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Tucker, who has been in counseling practice since 1979, writes this column under the guidance of a panel of teenage advisers, who approve the topics and offer their insights (in exchange for pizza). You may write her c/o: IT!, X-Press, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com.

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