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By GARY SHELTON

© St. Petersburg Times, published November 19, 2000


Hello, my name is Scott Boras. And I'm suing Jim Carrey for defamation of character.

Okay, here's the deal. The Rays have office space, and they have billboards, and they will meet every one of Alex Rodriguez's non-baseball demands. Instead of a 10-year, $250-million contract, however, they're offering one for $10 and 250-million years. Deal?

Forget Butch, forget Beamer. Here's who Alabama really wants as its head coach: Bear Bryant. So, I say you stuff him, add a few Disney animatronics and place him on the tower.

Hey, it worked for El Cid.

So they're going pour almost $600-million into Soldier Field, huh? Two more wins, and they're going to need an extra sign: "Owned by Tampa Bay Bucs."

You know, right about here, I was going to mention how the Rays should add at least one free agent with sizzle; but, hey, did you see those new uniforms?

I mean, ticket lines are going to be around the block.

Despite their recent play, the Lightning is still young, and may get 60 points this season. Of course, that might be enough to win the Southeast Division.

What a day it was in Cleveland last Sunday. The Browns won, and they got to see Bill Belichick leave town. Again.

So, how much are they offering for a Heisman vote on e-Bay these days?

Finally saw For the Love of the Game, and now I know why it takes so long to play a baseball game. It's all those darned flashbacks.

Whee! The U.S. beat Barbados. Who's next? Kokomo?

Just wondering: When did Boras start representing Tiger Woods?

It's official. The glee over the Jets defeat of the Bucs has worn off. The New York media has returned to whining about the loss of Keyshawn Johnson.

I read the article using a flashlight, of course.

I'm gratified to know that the Harlem Globetrotters split games with Michigan State and Purdue. I'm still picking the Globies to win the NIT this year.

Poor San Diego has discovered the sad truth of the universe. When you turn over a new Leaf, odds are, it looks the same on the other side.

What concerns me about the Olympics in Greece is the possible damage to the Parthenon. It is, after all, the newest building in Athens.

Great to see that our old buddy Denis Savard made the Hockey Hall of Fame. And it's gratifying to know that it was his time with the Lightning that put him over the top.

Did you see where Missouri coach Larry Smith blamed his team's awful record (3-8, 2-6 Big 12) on the media. Gee. If writers have that much to do with a team's record, I suppose Bobby Bowden and Steve Spurrier will be calling tomorrow to say thanks.

Well, maybe the day after.

Obscure reference betting favorites for Dennis Miller on this week's Monday Night Football: 1. Edgar Allen Poe, 3-1. 2. Miles Standish, 5-3. 3. Sir Francis Bacon, 10-1. 4. Coy Bacon, 100-1. 5. Kevin Bacon, 150-1. 6. Miss Piggy, 300-1.

The new math: Antonio Freeman is fined $10,000 for knocking the ball from a ref's hands. Steve White is fined $7,500 for almosts knocking Chris Chandler's head from his shoulders. I figure Paul Tagliabue's autograph is good for the difference.

Things Alex Rodriguez didn't think to ask the Mets for: The No. 7 becomes the A-Rod Train. It runs, of course, to Shea-Rod Stadium.

Two questions: Did the Alabama players carry Mike DuBose off the field? And, if so, where did they dump the body?

Finally saw Mystery, Alaska, where the Rangers beat a raggedy team that plays for nearly nothing while Phil Esposito looks on. Gee, who put a mountain outside the Ice Palace?

Who knew? Lon Kruger can't recruit pro players, either.

You know, if Boras was your agent, you'd have a bigger office, a company credit card and a Porsche leased for you.

Either that, or you'd be unemployed, and your ex-boss would look out his window and laugh at you.

Here's why realignment wouldn't hurt the Rays. Their players had as many votes for NL MVP as they did for AL MVP.

And, for that matter, Cy Young.

Finally meant to see Remember the Titans, but I forgot.

I'm ready to turn the whole Bush-Gore mess over to Don King.

You know what I'm looking forward to with Bob Knight's book? The grip.

It would be great to see Tony Gwynn, who may be looking for work, as the Rays' DH. Especially those conversations with new batting coach Wade Boggs over who was better.

After listening to Vince McMahon jabber, I cannot wait to see what the secret codes enable a quarterback to do on XFL: The Video Game.

Wonder what Terry Bowden didn't like about West Virginia. Perhaps it was that game-by-game contract. Be grateful. If Boras had been Lou Gehrig's agent, all we'd remember is the guy who demanded he get to take the microphone home.

Governor Body is headed back to the booth. Jesse Ventura is going to be an analyst for the lightweight, second-rate, low-paying XFL. Because he used to do Bucs broadcasts, he's perfect.

Just wondering: If the Rays can't afford to buy Rodriguez, do you think he could afford to buy them?

Finally, all I know for sure about the electoral college is that seven SEC teams have offered to play it for homecoming.

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