By GARY SHELTON
© St. Petersburg Times, published November 25, 2000
Hey, it could happen this way ...
Hello?
Hello?
Talk to me. It's your dime. Of course, soon, eight cents of it will be mine.
Scott?
Yeah, this is Scott Boras, and you're on the clock. So far, you owe me $2,200.
I do?
Yep. Time is money ... what did you say your name is?
Um, it's Chuck. Chuck LaMar.
Talk to me, Chuck. What are you doing these days?
Scott, it's Chuck! Come on. I'm the general manager of the Devil Rays. I mean, the Rays.
Still?
Of course, still. What do you mean by that?
Nothing, Chuck. What's on your mind? Besides the $3,600 you've spent here.
You charge money just to talk to people?
There is no free lunch, Chuck. You know that.
Yessir, yessir, I understand. Vince charges people, too. I'll just talk faster. I'm calling about Alex Rodriguez.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
No, really.
Chortle, chortle, chortle.
Scott!
Guffaw, guffaw, guffaw.
Stop that!
Hee-hee-hee. Sorry. I thought you said Alex Rodriguez.
I did.
What? Are you guys having an off-season card show? I can get him there for, oh, $900,000 an hour.
Scott, I'm serious. The Rays are interested in Alex.
Really? Okay. I have this 60-page book that says he's the best thing to hit baseball since they invented third base.
Yessir, I know how good he is. That's the reason we want to sign him. We think he could be the best power-hitting shortstop since Ernie Banks.
Who?
Oh, some old guy. It doesn't matter.
Doesn't the $20-million price tag scare your owner, Chuck?
Nosir, Nosir. It depends on how many years it's for, Scott.
Chuck, that's for one year.
Oh. That is high. I mean, we only pay Wilson Alvarez $9-million
It's not just the money, Chuck. We'd want a few perks. We want our own beach. They could change the name of Pass-a-Grille to Pass-A-Rod. And we'd want an office. And a plane. And marketing rights. And a red carpet from the dugout to short. And Sundays off. And skybox seats ... for the Bucs games.
Yessir. Well, here's our counter. We'll pay him $1-million a year, and once a week, we'll throw in a dozen wings from Ferg's.
Chuck, I think you're shopping in the wrong store. This is Tiffany's. This isn't Everything for a Dollar.
Well, money isn't everything. This would get Alex close to his home in Miami. Remember when Ken Griffey Jr. took less money to play in Cincinnati?
Yeah, I remember it. (Pauses). You know, that was the last time anybody ever saw Junior smile.
Yessir. Scott, we could use Alex. No one talks baseball around here. In New York, they're talking about Mike Mussina every day. In Atlanta, they're talking Mike Hampton.
Chuck, tell you what. I like you. I'll let you talk about Alex for, oh, $2-million. You can speak his name twice an hour for a week. How's that?
You're a funny guy, Scott. See, sir, a lot of general managers just don't know when you're kidding. Seriously, Alex could be mayor here.
Maybe. But how many games are you going to win this year? What would Alex do for you, really?
He could sell seats! He could win games! He could get a buzz going in town! Yessir, yessir.
Could he really? I've seen the attendance. The only way to get people in Tampa Bay to talk baseball is if Mark McGwire wrestles in the main event.
Alex could change that, Scott. He'd be a hero. Besides, he wouldn't have to pay state income tax. That's why Tiger Woods lives in Florida.
Who?
A golfer. Never mind.
Chuck, I have to be honest with you. A lot of teams want Alex. The Mets. Atlanta. Colorado. Texas. Washington.
Scott, Washington doesn't have a team.
Not yet. But we're thinking about moving Alex there and starting one of our own. If you're Washington, what would you rather have? The Expos? Or A-Rod?
Yessir, I see your point. But I still think we'd be good for Alex.
Okay, let me ask you this. Let's say Alex comes to the Devil Rays -- and saying that just cost you another grand. Where do you see him hitting in the order?
First, third and eighth.
Well, he'd get a lot of home runs in the Trop. And I guarantee you that you wouldn't have to worry about selling out the upper deck.
We wouldn't?
Nope. Alex would want those free for his friends and family. You understand.
Nosir, not really. Come on, Scott. What's your bottom line?
Okay, Chuck. Here's our proposal. I want a 20-year, $400-million contract, with $399-million as a signing bonus. I want the name of the team changed to the A-Rays. I want Vince's office. I want Busch Gardens. I want the Vinoy. I want a yacht and a backup yacht. I want the roof of the Trop to be painted in his likeness. And Alex gets a $4-million bonus if anyone ever writes anything negative about him.
Gee, Scott. That's an awful lot. I'm going to have to get back with you.
Oh, Chuck. One more thing
Yessir?
I want the wings, too.