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I admit it; all of you were right all along
© St. Petersburg Times, It's amazing, at least to me, how many things I have gotten wrong lately, but it is time to set the record straight. I started thinking about that after I got braced by a former Crystal River City Council member outside a social club meeting at which I had just spoken. I was wrong, he said, in making fun of Crystal River government because everything there is hunky dory and everybody loves everybody and most of their votes are 5-0 and stories about unrest, controversy and wrangling are pure fictions created by reporters from the two newspapers that cover Citrus County and, of course, by me and an editorial writer or two. As proof, he offered, I don't even go to the meetings. After that I started thinking. He's probably right and most of the people who write, call, e-mail and shout at me every week are probably right, and it's time to admit that. I'm sure that what applies to Crystal River also applies to Port Richey, and, since I don't go to their meetings either, Congress and the Florida Legislature. The first confirmation I had that he and others may be onto something, came Sunday night when I was on my way home from watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I had just pulled onto the interstate when I was suddenly overtaken by the urge to sacrifice animals and humans. My head began making 360-degree revolutions and I began vomiting pea soup. Clearly I was not only instantly converted to the mild-mannered religion of Wicca but had also become a devil worshiper and maybe even a Democrat. It was a scary realization. I once (or maybe even twice) in the past have smoked marijuana and so, to be in keeping with the prevailing wisdom on that subject, I realized that I had to stop somewhere on the way home and score some heroin because I now know I have no other choice. And I now give in to the hundreds of e-mail, calls and letters I have gotten on the subject of guns in the workplace and agree with all of those folks that everyone should have guns. In fact everyone should be required to have a gun, including airline passengers (I actually got letters saying that), the insane, children, convicted felons (because asking anyone to submit to a background check is an infringement on his or her Second Amendment rights) and people who are seriously planning to overthrow the government. Nobody anywhere should interfere with any person's right to have a gun, even an automatic weapon equipped with armor-piercing ammunition, a rocket launcher, a hand grenade or a Claymore mine. Anyone that thinks differently, I now realize, is irresponsible and, as one letter-writer called me in a letter that arrived before my firearm epiphany, a "trader" against the Constitution. (I think he meant traitor.) I know that there are so-called responsible gun advocates, but I now must agree with my fellow wing-nuts that they simply lack the courage of their convictions and are probably sleeper agents working toward the overthrow of all we hold sacred. Also right are all of the people who think looking at what they decide is pornography will turn us into dangerous sex criminals. Why, I couldn't even begin to describe to you the disgusting and nefarious plots I have hatched since the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show television special, and I didn't even see it, I just heard descriptions of it. I now also agree with the people that say that VISA and the Trilateral Commission and somehow Hillary Clinton are all involved in a massive plot to implant microchips in our foreheads so the government can keep track of us and so that some folks' versions of biblical prophecy can be fulfilled. I feel reasonably assured now that I have come out and admitted all of my transgressions, the people in the black helicopters will stop following me, and my neighbor's dog will stop telling me to assassinate world leaders. And, oh yes, before you call, write or e-mail to ask, I have searched my soul and I honestly do now believe that alternate-day lawn watering will restore lake and well levels in Pasco and Hernando counties to their pre-1950 levels. It's just a matter of time.
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