What happened to me?

I thought I was really smart. In the school I went to before this one, I felt like I was one of the smartest students in the class. Something must have happened to me since then because now I appear to be the dumbest person in my school. I came here this year feeling pretty good about myself until classes were under way for several weeks. All of a sudden it felt like my world was falling apart. The harder I tried to pull myself out of this deep hole, the deeper I seemed to plunge, and it has gotten no better.

Was my last school not as good as I thought? Did the teachers just give me good grades because I caused them no grief? Do I have a tumor that's eradicating my brain cells along with my sanity?

The first grading period has ended, and I am in a load of trouble. I have to bring these grades home to my parents. They have never before seen grades like these from me. How will I explain to them what happened when I don't even know?

I don't want to make bad grades, and I really thought I would somehow pull my grades up before the grading period ended, but I didn't. I have tried to talk to my teachers about this, but all of a sudden it appears they think getting good grades is my responsibility. I have gone after school for extra help, and after I leave I think I understand. Then I get home, and I can't seem to remember what the teacher has just reviewed with me, and it just feels worse.

I am not sure what to do. Do I need a tutor? Do I need to take easier classes? Will anyone believe I am trying but I'm just not getting it? I will have to talk to my parents about this, but I feel bad enough by myself. I don't think I can handle their disappointment in me. I don't want them to yell at me for not trying. I can hear their questions now: Why didn't you tell us you were having a hard time? Didn't you ask for help? Are you socializing more than studying? What are you doing all day at school, sleeping?

Inside I knew the obvious even though outside I was in denial. But the real problem seems to be that I am not as smart as I thought I was.

It seems I am going to have to figure out a way to study. Never before have I had to do much in the way of studying to make better than average grades. I could always talk the teacher into giving me some extra credit work if I needed to boost my grade in a certain class. I have always been able to use my charisma to charm the teachers into pushing my grade to the next level if need be. I thought I was naturally gifted and that was just my good fortune. Well, now I know these ideas were mostly myths. I am not really sure how smart I am, and I certainly don't feel very prepared to get the grades I used to get.

I think I should just come clean with my parents. I think I will tell them what happened. I might have to admit to them that I did so well in my other school because of the things I mentioned above. I may need for the first time in my life to learn how to study.

I realize now I have never really had to study before, so I never have learned how. I used to hear other kids talk about studying, and I used to think "Not me . . . I'm smart!" I think the smartest thing I can do now is to be honest with myself and accept that I may not be as smart as I used to think I was. Putting effort into making good grades is not a bad thing; it is just different for me. I can be smart again, but I will have to earn it this time.

IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker under the editorial guidance of a panel of teenagers (in exchange for pizza and volunteer hours). Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Comments are welcome. You may write c/o: IT!, Xpress, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridian@sptimes.com. If you are interested in being on the teen editorial panel, please contact Cecilia Tucker at revcecilia@msn.com.

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