Focus on Caregiving: 'Real' life crushes out our fears

I've come to believe The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams is a classic. I came to that conclusion after I read the story for the "umpteenth" time to my 6-year-old granddaughter, Brittny. I had read the story over the years to my children and to my grandchildren and found myself, once again, with a tear in my eye. My little granddaughter did, too. The message of being real speaks to all of us and is universal.

When the Velveteen Rabbit asks the Skin Horse, "What is it like to be real?" the Skin Horse responds, "Generally by the time you're Real, most of your hair has been loved right off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except, of course, to people who don't understand."

There are so many people who live life to the fullest. Life is an amazing gift. But we can get so caught up with ourselves and our circumstances in life that we become only half awake to this amazing gift and the fact that we are made to respond to it truthfully and passionately.

In this time of national crisis, people of all ages are searching for "realness." Some feel unloved or unconnected; some have changed their lives; some are determined to change. Perhaps the message of the Velveteen Rabbit can help to ease fears that may prevent us from becoming real.

Life is difficult for many, especially for caregivers, adult children of aging parents, persons who are ill and those living alone. Personal fear has been compounded by the events of terrorism. They have caused people of all ages and circumstances to look at preoccupation with ourselves and our routine; it can numb us to what real life and true relationship building are all about. There are times we'll go to any length to avoid the pain of disturbing feelings caused by our fears, and we can push away those we care for most.

Most of us have had circumstances that jolted us into a new kind of awareness of ourselves and of life. At that point, we realize we must live life more intensely and honestly. We can use the event as a springboard for change, developing a new sensitivity to adaptation, or maintain an immature focus, becoming immobile or retreating to old, familiar ways.

Last month, I met with a brother and sister, both in their 60s, who were in Florida from New York to visit their 86-year-old father. He was living alone in an apartment; he was not eating properly, and he had other needs. He still was domineering toward his children, even though they were successful in business and family life. He intimidated his daughter and diminished his son. They went back to New York, victims once more, fearful of expressing emotions and prevented from providing the proper loving care their lonely father needed so desperately.

This kind of fear, built into relationships with children and others, can prevent growth in intimate relationships. One of the most valuable lessons in learning to diminish fear is embodied in cooperating with it. This means letting go of resistance, getting real and letting in the possibilities our life has to offer. Of course, this takes courage, acknowledgment, active awareness building and our involvement.

People can grow up well-educated, financially successful, socially accepted and have fine careers even though they are stuck emotionally and unable to get past their fearful stance, which can cause much havoc in their lives. Some are so fearful they hide behind a facade, allowing only part of themselves to be known. If we run and hide, we are defeated.

Our primary mission in life is to be "at home" emotionally to others. When we try to control others because of our fears of intimacy or abandonment, we cause harm to ourselves and to those who love us. Avoidance of intimacy, not being present to others, is a fear of getting hurt. Being real means confrontation with yourself.

Courageously confronting ourselves to understand our lives, our own aging, children, aging parents, spouse, relative or friend is an enormous task with many emotions involved. This may mean handling life's hurts and coming to terms with pain suffered long ago. Perhaps we never learned to express our emotions in a healthy way.

Home life could have been grim because a parent was abusive, disrespectful, diminishing, demanded perfection or simply wasn't there. When we cannot admit or deal with childhood wounds, when we internalize our fears, block our emotions and hold on to denial, we cause other problems to emerge.

This emotional baggage may affect our health, physical and mental. We can also display indifference, which affects our growth as human beings. This has an effect on many relationships, especially with adult children, older family members or with people from whom we need loving care.

Being real and cooperating with our fears, being aware of our feelings and facing them, is a task in itself, but it is central to our living passionately and honestly: being awake to life, feeling deeply and understanding that people are what matter most. There are some active things to consider in cooperating with fear and becoming real:

Do an internal audit of your fears -- evaluate, break it down, develop a mature stance. Know yourself.

Ask: What is my internal dialogue? Monitor what you say to yourself.

Ask: How long has this negative self-talk been going on? Who put it there? Why did it develop?

Develop courage, the most important of the virtues. Face who you truly are. Develop an ongoing courageous choice to talk with a counselor or a member of the clergy.

Ask: What daily action will I take to reinforce my determination to meet my fears head-on? Ask: Am I willing to lead my daily life with this new choice?

Make a conscious choice to get real. Look inside yourself. Examine yourself.

Know that changing yourself is the only way to eliminate your fears. Keep telling yourself, "I am stronger than my fear." Act on it.

Find out from a counselor or clergy member how you can get yourself right with those you love and care about.

Know that it is essential to understand that we have the responsibility to manage our emotions.

The key to coping with our emotions is to start listing them. This may be difficult at first, but we can learn to define our emotions. Positive emotions such as love, peacefulness, joy and satisfaction are mingled with negative emotions such as anger, fear, sadness and guilt, all of which are normal.

When we're overwhelmed by our fears, our thinking can be clouded; arguments and attacks on others can be triggered. You might even feel that it is hopeless to do anything positive or to rectify a relationship. Denial of emotions can cause us to avoid making wise decisions. Hurting people often hurt other people. To be real means to stop hurting.

If you can hold on and share the good times while coping bravely and honestly with your fears, you will know peace and contentment. You will go from fear and hurt to healing.

- Ethel Sharp is executive director of Aging Matters Inc., a nonprofit network for family caregivers and elder care. You can write to her c/o Seniority, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731.

© 2006 • All Rights Reserved • Tampa Bay Times
490 First Avenue South • St. Petersburg, FL 33701 • 727-893-8111

Contact the Times | Privacy Policy
Standard of Accuracy | Terms, Conditions & Copyright