Don't expect a thank-you note

Stumped for a gift idea for the power brokers in your life? Try these on for size.

By DIANE ROBERTS
© St. Petersburg Times,
published November 29, 2001

Can't think for the life of you what to give those born with a grotesquely enlarged ego? Puzzled over a present for people who seem to have been raised by wolves?

Yes, gift buying for politicians and other power brokers is a tricky business. So here are a few ideas about what to give to the man or woman who doesn't quite have everything but intends to by the time he or she leaves office.

President George W. Bush: The Tony Blair Statesman-O-Matic. Personal software that translates tripped-up pronouns, misfired adjectives and other garbled nonsense not just into English but high Churchillian rhetoric. Nieman Marcus, $895. Requires battery the size of Maine.

Gov. Jeb Bush: Mom Always Loved Me More Than You, by Roger Clinton (Lost Horizons Press, $21.95). Self-help book about the heartbreak of knowing tbat even though you were Mom's favorite, the other one got to be president. Taller and cuter doesn't always guarantee success.

Columba Bush: $50 gift certificate to Wal-Mart. Okay, it's not Printemps or the Chanel Boutique, but that last French shopping trip didn't work out so well, did it? And think how it would help Jeb's campaign if she were to show up at a Dixie County fish fry wearing a pink fleece sweat suit, just like folks!

Attorney General John Ashcroft: A bottle of estate-bottled extra-virgin olive oil, for the next time he feels like anointing himself. So much tastier than Crisco.

Former Attorney General Janet Reno: A lipstick-red, mint condition 1967 Dodge Power Wagon with chrome toolbox and dual exhaust running up the cab, bed liner, Class 4 Draw-Tite trailer hitch, dog boxes and a 42-channel CB radio (try eBay). Can carry any amount of baggage.

Vice President Dick Cheney: All-American wildlife collection (spotted owl, salmon, caribou, assorted shore birds) beautifully preserved in Texas crude and placed in a fine rain forest mahogany case. $1,999 at the James Watt Boutique, located in fine gas stations everywhere.

Secretary of State Colin Powell: A "My Buddy Went to Kabul and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!" T-shirt. $16.95 from any shop in Mazar-e-Sharif.

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton: Booty-dancing lessons from Bronx diva and former Fly Girl Jennifer Lopez (call J. Lo's agent for price range). If Hillary's going to hang at New York benefit concerts, she has to get some moves down they don't teach you at the United Methodist.

Reps. Dick Armey and Tom DeLay: Tommy Hilfiger Stars and Stripes sheets ($99.50 king size) so they can wrap themselves in the flag day or night. Sens. Trent Lott and Jesse Helms may prefer the Stars and Bars bed-in-a-bag (100 percent genetically modified cotton from Monsanto), available at the Rebel Yell Shoppe in Klanton, Miss. Flame retardant.

Speaker of the Florida House Tom Feeney: An economy-size bottle of Brut cologne ($9.95) and a $50 bar tab at Cafe Cabernet in Tallahassee, where powerful Republicans go to have deep, meaningful conversations with highly intelligent young political philosophers, many of whom just happen to be blond.

Senate President John McKay: A burqa to wear to those secret Senate meetings (no one will ever know it's him!). $11.95 at fine shops in Kandahar. S, M, L in black or white -- no shades of gray.

Commissioner of "Education" Charlie Crist: Florida Statutes for Dummies (from Kangaroo Court Press, $14.95). By the authors of How to Pass the Bar Exam in Only Three or Four Tries, Swear to God!

Department of Environmental "Protection" czar David Struhs: An adventure canoe trip down the Ichetucknee to hear for himself the beautiful call of the cement truck and see the bright plumage of Anderson Columbia workers. Old Florida at its best. From $1-million, or whatever the court orders.

Bill McBride, lawyer and gubernatorial candidate: An appearance on Crossing Over so he can commune with the spirit of Lawton Chiles. How can a white guy who isn't called Bush get elected in Florida? Be a He-Possum? He-Manatee? Call Sci-Fi Channel for tickets.

Secretary of State Katherine Harris: A genuine Palm Beach County Votomatic machine lined in chinchilla, painted flamingo pink and festooned with rhinestone-studded chads. Good for quick, private eyeliner touchups and a cute centerpiece for those upcoming Georgetown dinner parties, too! $500-$1,400, depending on how many votes it chewed up.

Professor Albert Gore Jr.: Tenure at an Ivy League university of his choice and the vindication of history (price unavailable).

National Public Radio commentator and Tallahassee native Diane Roberts writes occasionally for the St. Petersburg Times.

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