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© St. Petersburg Times, published December 3, 2000

Hello, I'm Warren Sapp, and I've got just a few words about the Bucs' kickoff returns.

Oh, and the short-yardage offense.

Oh, and the halftime show.

Gary Cooper as Lou Gehrig. William Bendix as Babe Ruth. And now, coming to a theater near you, Robert Downey Jr. as Darryl Strawberry.

This just in: The hand count is now complete, and the BCS has decided that Ralph Nader, because of his strength of schedule, will go to the Peach Bowl.

Give it up for Wade Phillips. He lost the game, he lost starters, and he lost his mind when he tried an onside kick too early. But, hey, the guy saved the water.

Some coaches want to be Vince Lombardi. Phillips wants to be Gunga Din.

The way I hear it, Eric Lindros' first choice was really the Lightning. Lindros was just afraid that if anyone heard him say it, they would think he had suffered another concussion.

Why did the Yankees pay Mike Mussina, who was 11-15 last year, $88.5-million? Probably because Albie Lopez, 11-13, wasn't available.

Two questions about the Sonics: Do you know what Gary Payton likes in his coffee? Do you think new coach Nate McMillan does?

Paul Tagliabue really threw the old pamphlet at the 49ers for salary cap violations. Best I can tell, the franchise can only polish the championship it won as a result every other Thursday.

Good thing the Bengals got Akili Smith out of there before the season was lost, huh? Oh, and before he could have earned $3-million more in incentives.

I don't know about you, but if I'm Ryan Leaf, I shave my head, paint my face and invite Vince McMahon to lunch.

Look, Chris Chandler -- a k a Crystal Chandelier -- is just going to have to trust Dan Reeves on this one. He's hurt, dang it. Even if he doesn't realize it.

When I hear boxer Fernando Vargas call his father a "maggot" and threaten him harm, I think how sad it is. Don King, on other hand, thinks "main event."

Idea for realignment: In one division, put the Yankees, Braves, Mets, Dodgers, Indians and Red Sox. They would compete for "the World Series."

Put everyone else in the other divison. They would compete for "the Intercontinental Belt."

It's either that, or Commissioner Bud is going to have to fit a salary cap over thick-headed owners.

If you are Rae Carruth, isn't it time to show that O.J.'s glove doesn't fit?

Just thought you'd like to know: For the $2,500 Warren Sapp paid for that drink of water, he could have purchased 1,479 of the big bottles of Evian.

Did you read where Billy Sims is selling his Heisman Trophy? Maybe Josh Heupel could buy that one.

I wonder what Sapp and Les Steckel are getting each other for Christmas.

Soccer should be treated like a party, not an excuse for violence, FIFA president Joseph Blatter said in Cuba. Good thing. If he'd have said it in England, they'd have whaled the tar out of him.

Allen Iverson is getting married? And who is the wedding singer? John Rocker?

The saddest, strangest story of the week was the one about the Spanish athletes faking mental disabilities in order to compete in the Paralympics. Yes, there is a test for that, but the athletes fooled the officials by repeatedly yelling, "How 'bout them Dawgs."

Wow. That Cris Carter guy is pretty good. If he played for the Bucs, he'd have, oh, 187 catches by now.

Two questions about the BCS. Does it really take eight computers to work? And why in the world can't the NCAA simply buy its own?

As the Harrick family would say, it's deductible.

I wonder what Gary Payton and Paul Westphal are getting each other for Christmas.

One question about Ichiro Suzuki. Isn't he supposed to win the Heisman Trophy?

Gee. How much would it have cost the Yankees to sign Kenny Loggins, too?

Did you notice that part of the reason Carmen Policy and Dwight Clark had to pay $600,000 in fines for salary cap dodge ball was because of paying Jim Druckenmiller. Sheesh. At least Sapp got water.

In the coming labor wars, remember this about owners: If players cut their salaries in half, the owners wouldn't cut tickets by 10 percent.

And remember this about players: They wouldn't give up a nickel if it would save you a dollar.

Three guys who would look good in right for the Rays: 1. Manny Ramirez. 2. Brian Jordan. 3. Tony Gwynn.

Three guys you are more likely to get: 1. Jose Guillen. 2. Steve Cox. 3. Tonight's lucky ticket winner No. 40789H.

Maybe it's just me, but I could have sworn the other day when the South Florida votes were driven to Tallahassee it was Al Cowlings behind the wheel.

Bob Knight has said he is suing Converse. Oh, so that was the shoe print on his backside.

Three people the XFL is too late to help: Brian Bosworth, Tony Mandarich and Tonya Harding.

Three people it isn't: Cade McNown, Jerry Glanville, Sam Wyche.

I say five more years, and we'll see that Ray Perkins was right. Emmitt Smith can't last.

I'm torn between buying my kid a Playstation II or Rays tickets for Christmas. Any idea which one is easier to get?

Or which is more fun?

You know, if Paul Revere had realized the Patriots would some day give a No. 1 draft pick for Bill Belichick, he would have just slept in.

I wonder what Mal Glazer is getting Eddie DeBartolo for Christmas.

Finally, from Edgar Allen Poe, the lost verses:

Once upon a season dreary, Dilfer's arm, once weak and weary,

Magically turned straight and strong, a winged thing from days of yore

His career nodding, nearly napping, awoke and left the locals yapping

It left us all Warren Sapping, rapping nervously about his latest score.

Ah. relax. He's on a hot streak, which soon will be a-snapping.

Only this, and nothing more.

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