It's the Lions vs. the Bucs -- the '76 Bucs

SHELTON E-mail: Click here Archive

© St. Petersburg Times,
published December 7, 2001

AL: Good evening, and welcome to a special edition of Monday Night Football. We're here at Hell's Stadium, and we've got quite a football game planned for you.

DAN: That's right, Al. We've got the Bucs against the Lions. But not just any Bucs against any Lions. We've got a special Time Warp edition featuring the '76 Bucs against the '01 Lions. And can't anybody play this game?

DENNIS: Superior question here, Dan. Can anyone this side of Pieter Bruegel stand to witness it? What we have here is a competition to separate the winless from the witless. Erebus from Tartarus, Snoop Dogg from Cerberus. As the immortal Dante once said upon visiting the River Styx regatta . . . aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh.

AL: Dan, that brings up a point. Why is this game being played here?

DAN: Well, there are a couple of reasons. One, it's for the deceased agents' fund. Two, Hugh Culverhouse pulled some strings.

AL: But why are we here? We're not even dead.

DENNIS: Oh, it isn't so bad. I've been telling my critics to go here for years. Besides, even Eddie Wilson and the Cruisers spent a season here.

AL: At any rate, what we have here is a game for none of the marbles. The '76 Bucs were 0-14 and on their way to a 26-game losing streak. The '01 Lions are 0-11, and they might not win again until, well, here freezes over.

DAN: Everyone knows why the '76 Bucs didn't win. They were awful. But the Lions were 9-7 last year and nearly made the playoffs. Has a team ever done less with more?

AL: When it gets down to the final minutes, the Lions know how to lose.

DENNIS: The good thing is that these teams can look forward to inheriting the earth. Although they probably won't be able to come up with the inheritance tax.

AL: It isn't easy to lose them all, is it, Dan?

DAN: No, it really isn't. Baltimore didn't win a game in '82, and Dallas didn't win one in '60. But those teams at least had a tie. Since 1980, there have been six teams that won only one game.

DENNIS: Babe, are the statistics over yet?

AL: Yes, they are. Nero is done with the anthem, and there's the kickoff. Do you think the Bucs could return this one all the way?

DENNIS: Not if the Lions all fell asleep. Which, of course, hasn't happened since the Arizona game.

DAN: There's John McKay at the sideline, ready to execute his offense. And there is Steve Spurrier behind center. I wonder if he's lost any arm strength after sitting behind John Brodie for nine seasons.

AL: Ooooh. On first down, the Lions knocked Louis Carter for a 1-yard loss.

DENNIS: That's a good looking offensive play, Al. If I were the Bucs, I'd keep it in the playbook for the next 25 years.

AL: Second and 11 and Spurrier throws ... incomplete. Wait. He just called timeout and accused Bobby Bowden of dirty play.

DAN: This timeout gives us a chance to discuss something that's on my mind. Who the heck is Marty Mornhinweg?

DENNIS: He's a man who lives a life of danger. To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger. Odds are, he won't live to see tomorrow. Also, he gets Matt Millen coffee.

AL: I have a question. Why is Lee Roy Selmon playing defensive tackle?

DAN: Well, it took the Bucs a season to get him to defensive end. This really was the wackiest ship in the Navy. Shut out five times, gave up 40 points or more four times, only three games within a touchdown all year.

AL: Rules were tough back then. The Bucs received the expansion list some 72 hours before the draft, and they were given no medical backgrounds. It's a wonder they had the proper number of right cleats and left cleats.

DENNIS: I was just wondering. Who plays the winner of this game? The Washington Generals?

DAN: Hey, what's going on? Looks like trouble on the Bucs sideline.

ERIC: This just in, Al. A seventh-grader from Bessemer, Ala., named Bo Jackson has just telephoned the Bucs and told them not to ever, ever draft him.

AL: I bet he's bluffing.

DENNIS: Nice shot of Bucs defensive coordinator Abe Gibron there, Dan. He looks like Hoss Cartwright after he ate Hop Sing.

AL: Big play here, Dan. The Lions have a third-and-4, and they've inserted Ty Detmer at fullback because he knows the offense. Mike McMahon takes the snap, he falls down. He gets up. He hands to Detmer. He has a man open. No, not that one. Incomplete.

DAN: Good pass rush by Dave Pear there.

AL: McMahon has a man open ... it's complete to Johnnie Morton inside the 10. Wait. He forgets to get out of bounds, and the half is over.

DAN: We're still scoreless. The Bucs had 36 yards rushing, 36 yards passing. Showing similar balance, the Lions had 222 yards and 22 fumbles. I talked to John McKay before the game about the Lions' West Coast offense, and he noticed all the fumbles and dropped balls and said, "Yep, I'm from the West Coast, and I recognize it."

HALFTIME SHOW: Starring the Hugh Culverhouse singers performing That's What Friends Are For.

AL: Welcome back. Dennis, what did you think of the Bucs' first-half game plan?

DENNIS: Well, it's like Helen Keller said: "I see the folly of attempting to hitch one's wagon to a star with a harness that does not belong to it."

DAN: Not only that, but they need to do a better job on third down.

AL: I thought Richard Wood had a great half for the Bucs.

DENNIS: I concur. Every time he would rush the Lions passer, it looked like Batman surrounded by Jokers.

AL: Wow. What a great, twisting run by James Stewart. A shame about the six different holding calls, wasn't it?

DENNIS: Poor James Stewart. If the angels are waiting for him to ring their bells, the air traffic in heaven is minimal.

DAN: Al, we were talking to McKay last night at the Hotel California, and he said he hoped to get Spurrier 200 yards passing today. Do you think the defense might lay down and let Detroit score in order to get it?

AL: Don't be silly.

DAN: The Bucs need a good punt here. Mark Green is in his own end zone. Oh, high snap. Green picks it up. He breaks a tackle. Another one. He makes a move, twists, strains. He gets out to the 1-yard line! Great run. Exactly like the one he made against Pittsburgh in '76.

AL: But don't you think he'd have been better off taking the safety?

DAN: Maybe ... and Cory Schlesinger plunges in for the touchdown. We will now hold on for eight replays and six referees' huddles before the extra point.

DENNIS: This has to be the lowest point for the '76 Bucs since they became one of three NFL franchises to actually lose a game to Lou Holtz.

AL: And there's the final gun. The Lions win 7-0. The players have Mornhinweg on their shoulders. Oh, no. Do you think they meant to drop him?

DAN: Don't forget a very special MNF next week, when the '01 Bucs will play the '01 Bengals in a rematch.

DENNIS: Hey, do you guys really think that winking pirate on the Bucs helmets looks like me?

Shelton's bottom 10

1. 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs (0-14): The Bucs were shut out five times, allowed 40 or more points four times and came within a touchdown only three times. They also lost the next 12 games of the '77 season. Coach: John McKay. Quarterback: Steve Spurrier.

2. 1960 Dallas Cowboys (0-11-1): The Cowboys, also an expansion team, managed only a 31-31 tie with the New York Giants in the next-to-last week of the season. Coach: Tom Landry. Quarterback: Eddie LeBaron.

3. 1991 Indianapolis Colts (1-15): The Colts lost their first nine games before beating the Jets 17-16. Except for that game, the Colts were as close as four points only twice. They scored seven points or fewer 11 times. Coaches: Ron Meyer, Rick Venturi. Quarterback: Jeff George.

4. 1982 Baltimore Colts (0-8-1): The strike-shortened season lessened the embarrassment. The Colts tied Green Bay on Dec. 19 for their only nonloss of the season. Coach: Frank Kush. Quarterback: Mike Pagel.

5. 1960 Washington Redskins (1-9-2): The Redskins did win a game over the expansion (and 0-11-1) Dallas Cowboys 26-14. Except for that, the 'Skins had problems. Coach: Mike Nixon. Quarterback: Ralph Guglielmi.

6. 1980 New Orleans Saints (1-15): The Saints were 0-14 before beating the New York Jets 21-20 in their next-to-last game. It was the fewest points allowed by the defense all year. Coaches: Dick Nolan, Dick Stanfel. Quarterback: Archie Manning.

7. 1990 New England Patriots (1-15): The Patriots were 1-1 two games into the season, then lost 14 in a row. At the end, their only victory was a two-pointer over Indianapolis. Seven losses were by 20 points or more. Coach: Rod Rust. Quarterback: Marc Wilson. 8. 1971 Buffalo Bills (1-13): After losing their first 10, the Bills beat New England 27-20 for their only win. Buffalo was shut out four times. Coach: Harvey Johnson. Quarterback: Dennis Shaw.

9. 2000 San Diego Chargers (1-15): The Chargers managed a one-point victory, 17-16 over Kansas City, after an 0-11 beginning. In one stretch San Diego lost three games by a total of seven points. Coach: Mike Riley. Quarterback: Ryan Leaf.

10. 2001 Detroit Lions (0-11): The Lions have history within their grasp. Already they have passed the '89 Cowboys and the '96 Jets (both teams were 1-15 but turned their fortunes around quickly.) Only two of Detroit's losses have been by more than eight points. Coach: Marty Mornhinweg. Quarterback: Charlie Batch.

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