The A list of B-movies

By STEVE PERSALL Times Film Critic

© St. Petersburg Times, published June 18, 1999

See related stories: Can you say cheese? Perhaps the only thing better than watching a really bad movie is talking about it. Schlock fans, come home to stomptokyo.com, the brainchild of two St. Petersburg cheese lovers who ferret out the best of the B-movies. B-movie buff? A sea of schlock is a click away B-movie madness is as close as your computer keyboard. Here's a list of some of the best World Wide Web sites dedicated to the worst that Hollywood has to offer. 3-D glasses and ballyhoo gimmicks like Smell-O-Vision are optional.

They're the car crashes along Hollywood's yellow brick road. Films so terrible that you can't help slowing down for a closer look.

Here's one film buff's list of irresistible cheesy cinema, listed in no particular order of incompetence:

BLOOD FEAST (1963) -- Cannibal caterer goes shopping for "groceries" in Miami. Some of the goriest usage of meat byproducts in the history of special effects.

VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1967) and BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS (1970) -- You can't have one without the other. Two movies with nothing in common except title, garish melodrama and sheer tastelessness. Extra credit for having Roger Ebert write the non-sequel.

SHOWGIRLS (1995) -- The most unsexy colony of nude actors ever on screen, with dialogue they seem to recite phonetically. Elizabeth Berkeley has sex like a flopping fish and dances like a frozen one.

THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (1996) -- Marlon Brando wearing an ice bucket on his head, leading a pack of genetic experiments gone horribly wrong. Even Austin Powers is spoofing it now.

MYRA BRECKINRIDGE (1970) -- Rex Reed undergoes a sex change and comes out looking like Raquel Welch. It could be worse. He could look like John Huston and Mae West in their embarrassing cameos.

A STAR IS BORN -- The 1976 version, of course. Barbra Streisand plays the world's blandest rock star, while Kris Kristofferson growls and staggers through a poor imitation of Jim Morrison.

DEAD ALIVE (1992) -- Who needs Jedi light sabers when you can wave around a lawnmower in a duel? And, a Kung Fu priest beats Yoda for spiritual guidance any day.

THE LONELY LADY (1983) -- Pouty-mouthed Pia Zadora tangles with the pitfalls of Hollywood misogyny and a badly misused garden hose.

TARZAN, THE APE MAN (1981) -- Just like Tarzan, Bo Derek can't master prepositional phrases or conjunctions, but they're in the script anyway. Nice wardrobe, though.

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1959) -- Because leaving Ed Wood's signature film off any list of bad movies is like leaving Citizen Kane off the all-time best movie rankings.