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Seinfeld's sign-off: Thank goodness, and what's next?By ERIC DEGGANS
That's how much TV time is left until one of the most tragic events in this year's television season: the May 14 end of Seinfeld. And as the media hype machine begins to kick in with tributes, season finale rumors and lofty pronouncements about what this sitcom means to human history, let this humble TV critic weigh in with a simple, heretical thought.
Be honest. Isn't that what you were thinking about halfway through last year's "yada, yada, yada" episode? Certainly, as the infamous "backwards episode" unfolded -- and it became more obvious how unfunny this particular effort was going to be -- it must have crossed your mind. Before Jerry Seinfeld's December decision to end his sitcom this year -- capping the most-watched comedy show on network television -- the comic almost seemed defensive in interviews, trying to justify why he deserved more than $20-million this year to star in a show that seemed well past its best moments. Reeling from a poll conducted by the New York Post late last year indicating that New Yorkers felt his show about nothing was quickly living down to its name, Seinfeld lashed back, promising that the next shows, including the "backwards episode," would be among the most funny viewers had seen yet. We all know how that turned out. Weeks later, Seinfeld turned down a reported $5-million-per-episode offer from NBC, opting instead to pack it all in this year, concluding the show's ninth season exploring the aimless, self-centered lives of Jerry, George (Jason Alexander), Elaine (Julia Louise-Dreyfus) and Kramer (Michael Richards). Content-wise, it turned out to be his best move yet. Watch the show now and you see an ensemble that's loose, funny and almost relieved to be slipping past the weight of its own involved legacy. No more attempts to create the latest catch phrase or deliver landmark television; these guys are riding into the sunset while people still love them, and they're having a great time doing it. In making the finale announcement, Seinfeld finally copped to what know-it-all critics like yours truly had been murmuring for a while. "I just know from being on stage for years and years . . . there's one moment where you feel the audience is still having a great time, and if you get off right there, they walk out excited," Seinfeld told Time magazine this year. "If I get off now, I have a chance at a standing ovation. That's what you go for." Of course, NBC won't be glad to see this show about nothing dissolve. According to Broadcasting and Cable magazine, the network made anywhere from $65-million to $100-million per season on the show before the 1997-98 run, when Seinfeld negotiated huge payment increases for himself and the show's production studio, Columbia Tri-Star. Even now, with ratings consistently ranked first or second among all network TV shows, Seinfeld stands as the tent pole in a Thursday night big top that makes about $200-million annually in profits for NBC, boosting ratings for surrounding shows such as Friends, ER, Just Shoot Me and Veronica's Closet. So the biggest question remains: What will NBC do at 9 p.m. Thursdays post-Seinfeld? Allow me to offer yet another humble suggestion: Frasier. Think about it. As the most successful Tuesday night comedy, it's a show with proven viewership into its fifth season. With the most complex characters and snappy writing in sitcom land, it's also one of the best shows around. With a witty, urbane vibe that can quickly turn to side-splitting slapstick -- remember the landmark episode when Frasier Crane's ex-wife, Lilith, slept with his brother, Niles? -- Kelsey Grammer's brainchild is the closest thing to a sure bet for that slot, and NBC needs one badly. My armchair quarterbacking goes something like this: NBC's Thursday schedule will likely remain the same, with Friends and Just Shoot Me followed by Frasier, Veronica's Closet and ER. On Tuesday, the ailing 3rd Rock From the Sun will take Frasier's place at 9 p.m., reaching the substantial lead-in audience left from Mad About You at 8 p.m. 3rd Rock's Wednesday slot will be filled by one of the midseason shows currently getting a tryout -- perhaps Holly Robinson Peete's For Your Love -- or a new show under development. Which leaves only the most closely guarded secret in Hollywood. The season finale itself. Written by Seinfeld and co-creator Larry David, the last episode's plot is so secret that the pair reportedly plan to film the final scene with no studio audience present, to preserve the surprise. Still, production doesn't begin until April 8, which gives us couch potato fans plenty of time to advance our own theories. According to The Star tabloid newspaper, Seinfeld wants everyone on the show to die of food poisoning. The tabloid TV show Hard Copy consulted psychics, who predicted a wedding or a possible invite from doctors for Kramer to clone himself (imagine the spin-off possibilities!). And published input from readers in papers ranging from the Los Angeles Times to the New York Times brought these ideas: Quirky mailman Newman might go postal, Elaine could be captured by white slavers while researching the J. Peterman catalog abroad or Jerry might transition into a sequel called The Seinfelds, an Upper West Side version of The Waltons in which Jerry raises a family. Now you have your own chance to handicap the finale, by clipping the three Seinfeld scenes we've provided, filling in your own dialogue and sending them back to us. We'll publish the funniest ones, with the top three winners getting a Seinfeld T-shirt. Send your ideas to me, c/o the Times, 490 First Ave. S, St. Petersburg, FL 33701, or e-mail: deggans@sptimes.com. Please include a daytime phone number and your address. We'll publish as many of your thoughts as we can. Consider it a cathartic way to get past the demise of a great show. And be glad it's ending now, while you're still sad to see it go. To reach Eric Deggans, call 893-8521, e-mail deggans@sptimes.com Seinfeld's real season finale won't be filmed until April 6, so why not try building your own final episode from these images taken from past shows? Don't get hung up what episodes they were taken from; use your imagination to create your own finale. Clip it and send to us c/o Seinfeld Finale, the Times, 490 First Ave. S, St. Petersburg, FL 33701. We'll print the funniest ones, and the top three creators will get Seinfeld T-shirts. Yada, yada, yada
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